Faith
by Penner54
Summary: Its years after Severus' and Hermione's last meeting. Snape resists the temptation of Hermione since his return to Hogwarts with his pregnant wife. Hermione contemplates what will happen in her life after Severus.
1. Prologue

_Dear my dearest readers,_

_I am back from the grave of writers block to bring to you the sequel to 'Who are You?'! It is new and exciting and everything you readers wanted after I left you with the most depressing of ending for the Snape and Hermione love affair within the dreamscape. Read on and enjoy. DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! (For you shall be rewarded if you do!)_

Chapter one: Prologue

Blood pounded in her ears. Sweat poured down her face in a torrent, though she did not even care. All she could hear was the thud-thud-thudding of her own heart, and her breath moving in and out rapidly in her spacious, overworked lungs. She whipped her head around, hair flying wildly, to see her rear view as she turned a sharp corner in the heavily wooded area. Nothing, but more trees and dense silence.

Unbeknownst to most, this moment of complete clarity mixed with utter desperation to succeed was one of absolute joy. She relished in it. She looked at her feet, flying beneath her, cracking the leaves, sticks and plants being tormented between the heavy fall of her feet and soft forest ground. Her eyes darted back up to her frontal view, as sweat dripped menacingly into her eye. She saw the opening of the forest ahead of her and praised herself in unrelenting triumph. Her feet slowed to a steady pace, her heart thudded more softly in her tender chest, and her breath shook in and out of her lungs with ease. As she reached the outer green of the grounds she collapsed in a heap of sweaty mess onto the grass milky with dew.

Her back lay flat against the ground, dripping wet and her eyes looked up at the sun which had finally began to rise. She lay there, quite unprovoked until her heart had slowed in her chest to a reasonable pace, and the slight fall breeze had dried the sweat on her forehead and neck. She closed her heavy eyes, peaceful in the silence of the Hogwarts grounds on this early morning on the first day of September, with the clouds rolling by softly.

In all but by the end of the day, there would be no more silence on the grounds of Hogwarts, for the new term would begin and her duties would slowly bring her back into the world of magic. In some ways she had missed the noise, and the children, and the utter chaos of it all. In more than one way she longed for the solitary life to continue undisturbed.

Quickly she jumped to her sneakered feet, as the need for a shower raced through her. She adjusted her clothing and began the slow hike back up the hills of the green grounds to the front door of Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The water of the shower ran cold, just the way she enjoyed it after such a long, hard, sweaty run. She removed her clothes with every bit of ease she could muster, before jumping in to the icy water. It ran over her thin frame, washing away the sweaty victory of her morning run. When she once again would leave the shower sanctuary she would no longer be the struggling athlete, running for accomplishment, but would once again be Transfiguration teacher extraordinaire.

She washed her hair, soaping it up and rinsing it out, smiling at the pleasant smell of her homemade lavender shampoo. Her body was washed most delicately with the bar of newly formed cleansing butter cream which she had just made in the potions laboratory not two days before. Everything she used was homemade. From her shower supplies to her makeup, which never appeared to be caked on but looked most natural.

As she turned off the tap and reached for her black, soft, terry cotton bathrobe, she marvelled at her tight, lean body looking so pink and dewy after her run and shower. If only her sensual beauty would remain after the summer months were over. Needless to say, it never lasted once children and work once more hounded her in the halls of Hogwarts. There would be no time for morning runs in the forest, or long, cooling showers. Her days would be filled with crack of dawn, hot showers to wake herself up, then rushing to class to be there in case any student should show up early in need of help or advice.

Yet she did not truly regret this. It was her life. It had been her choice, and she did not regret a second of it. In a way it fit her. She longed for the simplicity of summer during the school year, but at the beginning of summer each year, she wished that the children would stay for just a few more days, so she would not be lonely in the school's forbidding silence. It was a lose-lose situation at times but more often than not, it was rather win-win.

Hermione Granger wasn't one to regret her well thought out choices, therefore she was one never to regret. She only regretted one major decision she had made in her life, and it had slipped away from her in a moment of endless pain.

It had been five long years since that night at Godric's Hollow where she had forever said goodbye to her childhood friend and savior, Harry Potter. It had been nearly three years since she had last seen Severus. It was painful to think of him, and the regret she had for how it had ended. There had been no storybook ending for them. No, their love had died in a twist of saddening loneliness for the both of them. Even now she could not think of him.

She pushed the thought of him from her mind, into that corner, well far in the back which was reserved especially for his image. His dark eyes, long, unruly hair, his long, lithe frame which had slowly grown a little bent in the thirteen years she had known him (or so she imagined since she had not laid eyes on him since that day she had visited him so long ago).

Severus had become that unrelenting dream-or nightmare- that haunted her in her sleep and followed her all through her days. It became even more painful those nights when she laid her brown mahogany covered head down to rest on her feather pillow, and dreams of him and her in the dreamscape followed her into her mind once more. She so often dreamt of that night she had dreamt of him in the dreamscape telling her he loved her. She clung to the memory.

Though years ago she had convinced herself that her love for him had faded the same as his love for her, as the years passed and she walked the Hogwarts halls he had once walked the love bloomed once more. It was unrequited this time, and quite merciless. She saw his haunting face around every corner. Sometimes it became so real to her that she almost ran to his ghost in the halls (that only she could see) and think it was really truly him, come back to reclaim his old position. Yet it never was.

After she had said goodbye to him three years ago, she had yet to hear from him. Often times she'd sit at her desk and write him a long letter, telling him every detail of her waking life, thinking he would be the only one who would care. But she never sent these letters. She folded them up, one by one and placed them in a box beneath her bed. She had once caught Dobby the house-elf reading them and she shook him so hard he screamed in pain, until he promised never to look at them again, nor speak to anyone about their contents.

Not that anyone would be interested. It had been years since she had even spoken to anyone that would remember who he was, or who she was for that matter. After Harry's sudden death she ceased to speak to any of her old friends. The last time she had seen Ron had been Harry's funeral. It had been just too painful for them both. Ginny had faded away into her memory after she had quit the magical world and had become a mere librarian in the muggle world of America- or so Hermione was told… she herself hadn't spoken to Ginny in nearly two years after they fought over who was more depressed and who had more a right to be.

In the end, Hermione was lonely in her haven of Hogwarts. No familiar faces roamed the halls. All the old professors had long since left, and of course all of the students graduated after seven years. She was alone with her singular regret, and that was just the way she liked it. She did not have to share her pain with anyone, and no one knew of what haunted her in her sleep.

Slowly after all this time, the wound that her friends had once filled had begun to heal, and the would of Severus she silently nursed. She no longer cried herself to sleep in her utter depression. She was not depressed. She was not content. She merely was.

She accepted her life for what it had become and there was nothing she cared to do about it. And so she moved through her days from year to year, from school year to summer, merely doing her duty… and thinking of him.

By the time she left her silent reverie, and had finished cleaning her suite of rooms on the first floor of the school it was nearly supper time, and nearly time for the students to begin arriving once again. She would bring the sorting hat out, and place it on each new bright face as McGonagall had done before her. She would applaud and be cheery, because in truth, surrounded by the youth of magical faces (though she herself was not yet twenty-five and plenty youthful herself) she was happy once again.

She entered the Great Hall with her new Maroon robes praising her old Gryffindor house on her back and a smile on her face. She took her seat at the front table when the headmaster Collins (who had taken Dumbledore's place after his untimely death) called her to her.

"Professor Granger! It good to see you so well today, and in quite a celebratory mood! I simply adore your robes! The students should be arriving soon, but before they do I had to remind you that the new potions professor is wandering around her somewhere reacquainting himself with the grounds and you are the only one left to meet him." Headmaster Roberta Collins said, in her lovely, lilting, Irish voice. Her red hair beamed bright and for just a moment Hermione was preoccupied with the image of Ginny, sitting before her in dark, velvety green robes. She soon washed away Ginny's ghostly frame and once again focused on Collins who was waiting for her response.

"Yes, of course Roberta. What was his name again? When he enters I'll be sure to make my greeting. Before I do, I had better hop over to your office though and remove the sorting hat, seeing as how we'll be needing it in only a few short minutes."

"Yes, my lovely, you do that. But here's your chance to introduce yourself. Here is the new professor now, entering the Great Hall."

Hermione turned to the door and was instantly transfixed. No. It could not be. It simply wasn't. His dark hair swirled in a cloud of black around his pale face. His eyes roamed the golden room and she didn't know what to do with herself. Snape's memory had once again come to disturb her. This man looked so much like him that a bubble of emotion rattled in her chest, daring to break free through her eyes. She felt Roberta's eyes on her waiting to do something, when Hermione shook herself from her dream. Of course this wasn't him. This man, though he did resemble him, was not. This new professor had hair that was salt and peppered with gray in the black. He was a little more well built, and not nearly as awkwardly tall and hunched as Severus had been.

Hermione smiled at Roberta as she slowly began her walk toward the new professor. He walked lightly, she noticed, as though he was almost dancing on the balls of his feet, as he meandered around the four house tables. His robes were of a brownish sort of color (which should have set her off immediately, since Snape only ever wore the darkest of black). She was only about three feet away when she stopped in front of him and stuck out her right hand in a forward manner.

"Hello, professor. I'm Hermione Granger, the transfiguration teacher. Headmaster Collins was just telling me that you're the new Potions Professor and I thought I'd introduce myself before all of the students begin arriving." She waited for him to take her hand, and when he finally did, she noticed how his white soft hand nearly swallowed her tanner, pinkish one.

"Professor Granger. How nice to meet you…" He quirked a quizzical eyebrow at her and smiled in a way that made her heart beat fast. He then leaned forward and almost whispered nearly in her ear, "Is this a new game? Pretend you don't know me? I believe the last time we spoke you would not have been so ready for games with me."

Hermione whipped her hand from his and looked up into his dark eyes. All the familiarity was there and her face burned with embarrassment. She looked him up and down rapidly and was wide eyed in astonishment at his figure. Up close she could see that the slight graying of his hair had been there at their last meeting, only now it was only more becoming to him. Time away in the last three years had done him only too well as he looked more handsome than she had remembered.

"Severus? Is that really you? I truly had no idea… Collins hadn't told me your name and, you just looked so different when you walked in. I… I… should have known you." She babbled on, transfixed on his face, noticing that his smile he wore was like none she'd ever seen on his face before. He looked more that amused. He looked happy.

"No need to stumble on your well chosen words Ms. Granger. It has been a long while, I would not expect you to remember me right away, as I had been at our last meeting."

Hermione smiled as she no longer blushed was settled into conversation with him so easily. "Yes, well… you look well Snape. Any particular reason why?"

"Of course there is a reason, my pupil." He laughed to himself at calling her pupil, as it had been five years and more since she had been his student. " How are you?"

"I'm as good as to be expected. The start of September and all leaves me a bit on edge." She smiled inside and out at Severus saying that there was a reason he was so happy. She gasped in anticipation waiting for his eyes to caress her in that all too loving way she had dreamt about for three years. "So why do you look so good? The last time I saw you, you were living in that hovel."

"Well aren't we playing nice? I no longer live in that 'hovel' as you call it, Ms. Granger. And I am happy to say I will not be tormented with the thought of living on campus most night either. My wife and I own a small house not too far from here. I look well because I won't have to be tortured with the thought of students in the same place I rest my head." He smiled almost warmly at her and she marvelled in the way his entire being had changed. He was no longer the Snape she had known but a new and exciting man altogether. Wife? Had he said wife?

"Wife?" Hermione nearly shouted in surprise as the word smacked her in the face.

"Yes. Congratulate me. I've been married and settled for nearly a year now." His old smirk, simple and sallow spread across his lips, and she longed to slap it off. Here was the old Snape… setting out to break her heart once more.


	2. Sincere Emotions

Chapter two: Sincere Emotion

She moved through the motions of her work. She clapped appropriately, she smiled congenially, she never gave anyone the chance to see the frustration that alighted her entire body just below the surface. She felt his cold, dark eyes on her frame as she placed the sorting hat on each of the new first years' head.

Oh, how had she been so ridiculous to think that he had truly changed. He had previously seemed so different than how he had been when she had loved him. It had all been an act she supposed. He was no different. He had been cruel to her, throwing his marriage and love in her face when it must have been wholly obvious that her love for him still bloomed longingly on her face. Still beneath his gaze she could feel that burst of satisfaction he must have felt at seeing her shock as he smiled that wickedly handsome smile.

"Fondenti, Andrea." Her voice moved mechanically, calling out names as they were sorted. She smiled at the small girl with wild brown hair that took the stool before her. Hermione for once that night, genuinely smiled, fore this girl with wide brown eyes and a look of confidence reminded her so much of herself thirteen years ago, when she had herself taken the same stool.

With her eyes resting on this girl she wished her luck in the magical world. She wished her faith to follow her magic honestly. She wished her the strength to never regret anything as Hermione regretted letting him go.

IIII

Back safe in her warm rooms, Hermione began to relax and unwind from such a shocking day. Tomorrow classes would begin and she would have something to occupy herself with as Severus' appearance haunted her world once more. Even the thought of him being suddenly back into her life appalled her. She never once thought for a moment that he would once again step back into the halls of Hogwarts. He had lost too much in the war, and besides, he knew that she was here.

At their last meeting he had known she had taken his old position as potions master, though since then she had moved forward to her true passion of transfiguration. Yet, still, she could not imagine him really wanting to rejoin a place that held no joy for him, in a place where he knew she resided. Maybe he really was out to torture her in her continuing love for him. Or maybe he truly had changed and was no longer still that man that she had fallen so desperately in love with and still held a flame for after all this time.

IIII

As he opened the door to his small cottage outside of Hogsmeade, he was suddenly stunned by the view before him. His wife, Beatrice, sat happily in a chair by a roaring fire, that wasn't necessarily needed in this odd September heat. Her glorious blonde hair fell about her shoulders in a most becoming way, and her very thin frame stretched out with her legs swung over the arm of the chair and her head resting on a black pillow. The book was held up to her face, as if she could barely read the words in front of her face and he almost laughed to see her in this position.

"Beatrice, you're still up?"

"Of course I'm still up. I can't sleep when you're not here." She smiled at him as she sat up from her resting position and carefully placed a bookmark between the pages she had been reading. She stood up and came toward him, rising up on her toes to kiss her husband softly on the cheek. "How was the welcoming feast? I remember it when I was a girl. It was my favorite part of the year…"

"It was fine I suppose. A lot of noise of course, and no familiar faces," except for one, Severus thought. He smiled halfheartedly at Beatrice as she moved around the small room trying to make him comfortable.

"How about some firewhiskey? You look as though you need it," said Beatrice, who was already approaching the decanter and pouring a glass.

"Do I? Yes, thanks. That sounds like a cure for being surrounded by old ghosts all night." Snape took the glass from her and smiled up at her kindly for thinking of him, and knowing what he would desire after such a night. He put the glass to his lips and sipped at it instead of shooting it like he really wanted to do at such a time.

"Well Severus, you don't seem much in the talking mood. I'll leave you alone for a bit. When you finish that firewhiskey, come to bed." She walked to the doorway leading to the bedroom and then turned to face him once more. "And Severus?"

"Yes Bea?"

"I love you." Her voice was so light and sincere that he couldn't help but laugh and smile at her pretty blonde face.

"I love you too."

IIII

_Dear Readers:_

_Here is the next installment. Not too long, I know. But the muses only speak to me for as long as they like. If it were up to me, I would stay writing twenty page chapters three times a day! Anyway, Thank you for reading, and review if you have the time… and lets be honest, if you're reading this you have the time to review a couple of sentences to me! So please do so, fore each review makes my day again and again, and any constructive criticism would be dually noted!_

_Thank you! _


	3. Impossible

Chapter Three: Impossible

She had dreamt of the dreamscape. She had dreamt of him. She had heard his silky voice roll down her back. She had seen his eyes pierce into hers and had felt the familiar chill that the sight of him had always brought her.

Upon opening her eyes into the sunlight of the morning, she smiled softly into her pillow. His image still floated hazily in the forefront of her mind and she was relaxed with the sight of him. She could still hear his voice as she nuzzled her pillow, imagining it was the nape of his neck after a long night of sleep together.

She knew that when she was eased out of her sleepy state she would have to forfeit her beautiful dream of him, in the place she now considered solely their own. She would have to go about her duties of being a teacher to hundreds of students each day and forget about Severus once more.

He was a married man after all. He had a wife hidden away somewhere (and hopefully Hermione would never have to meet her) and she must be absolutely in love with Severus. Yet, she couldn't help but think that it wasn't quite fair since she had loved him first. She was the first to dream about those magnetizing eyes. She was the first to hear him talk candidly to her. She was the first to wish that his arms would fall gently about her waist. She was the first to tell him that she loved him and in her heart she knew that she would always love him first.

Hermione buried her head into the pillow and chastised herself for not only being haunted with him again, but with his wife. His wife, who must be lovely and angelic. The complete opposite of Severus in everyway except their twin hearts. She knew he must love her and she must love him (because who wouldn't love him?) and the thought of them together made Hermione want to tear her eyes out.

Finally after ten minutes of lying in her bed she finally removed herself and headed to her shower. She let the hot water pour over her wishing it were his hands pouring over her skin. Twenty four hours ago she didn't dream of him this way. The thought of him had been bearable, but now, since she knew that when she walked into the great hall for breakfast he would be there, she couldn't stand the thought of him. She wanted only to run into his arms and kiss him fervently all over his neck and face, have him tell her that he had no wife and that he was free to be with her. She fantasized about him telling her he loved her still.

_Hermione, grow up. You are no longer a hormonal teenager, blooming with first love. He is a married man and though you still love him, you cannot. It's impossible. _

She felt the tears streak down her cheeks, mingling with the water from the shower head. It's impossible.

IIII

_He stroked his hand down the side of her body, feeling the curve of her soft flesh. The heat from her skin rose up to meet his palm and he smiled into her soft hair. She smelled of lavender and rosemary, her skin was as soft as buttercream. He had never felt such a heavenly being beneath his own touch before. _

_He kissed her forehead, working his way down to her soft and ample lips. As he approached them, he raised his head and looked deep into her dark, mahogany brown eyes. She was the most lovely sight he had ever laid eyes on, and he felt himself wishing that he could only be lucky enough to never look upon anything else again. _

_His hands roamed her soft-skinned body and she sighed from the pure tenderness of it. He could see in her cloudy eyes that she floated on a cloud beneath his touch, and it thrilled him to know he had such unadulterated power over her. He smiled at her, thanking God for the very sight of her. _

"And what are you smiling at, dearest?" Her voice was in his ear and her hand was roaming the skin on his broad chest. Severus opened his eyes to meet the bluest eyes he had ever seen. Beatrice smiled down on him and he was shocked to come to his senses, realizing he had not been dreaming of his beautiful wife, but the brown, enchanting eyes of Hermione Granger.

"I'm truly not smiling at anything except the captivating smell of your skin." He lied as he softly pushed Beatrice off of him and moved to head toward his shower.

"Off to school so soon? Not even a good morning kiss for the one you love?" Bea looked up at him with the most innocent eyes, full of tenderness and love for him. How could he possibly hurt her in anyway? He leaned down and placed a hand gently on the side of her face and soothingly pressed his lips to hers.

"I love you Bea.."

"I know you do darling."

IIII

Being back in his old dungeon classroom was like being once again a man who did not know who he was. After five long years Severus had thought he had finally found himself… and he had found himself in Beatrice.

Now with the sight of Hermione everywhere he looked he feared his sanity wouldn't last. She haunted him as he knew he had haunted her. He could see it in her eyes, as she looked down the breakfast table at him. She still cared for him, though he didn't deserve her care, or love.

Severus believed that he had never deserved such an amazing woman's care. Thus he thrust her away and forgot about the love he had had for the girl who had bloomed into a strong, staggeringly beautiful woman.

For that time alone, he had become a different person. He was no longer reminded of the nightmare that was the Dark Lord. He was free to grow and prosper and not be dark himself. In his soul he was still the same Severus who was bitter toward his enemies and shielded from the world. But when he looked at her, he saw the first girl he had ever let past that shield and into his heart.

He had loved her in the most honest and pure way a man can love a woman. But he had never deserved her. So, with the first woman since Hermione who had shown a little love and thoughtfulness toward him (though God knows he didn't deserve her either) he let himself be swallowed up with love for another human being.

But upon seeing Hermione's face, so strong and confident, he wished he had the strength to love her once more.

IIII

Author's Note: It is terrifying to once more try to capture Severus and Hermione so purely as I had once tried to. I am incapable of staying 100 true to their original form, but must mold them to my own purposes. With that said, I welcome you to review my new versions of them, lost and trapped once more within their haunting love for each other. It is in the earliest of days for this story yet, so the story itself, along with the characters will develop ten-fold and hopefully carry their honest voices at the end. Please review (like I know you shall!) and thanks for reading.


	4. To love

Chapter Four: To love and not know how

His appearance hadn't really changed. His hair was the same- deep black with the beginnings of graying around the temples (she had always found this incredibly sexy). His clothing was the same clothing he always wore, since she had finally gotten him out of those morbidly black upon black robes. In short, the appearance of her husband was exactly as he had always been. Yet something was oddly different.

His eyes held this unfamiliar glow. There was a light in them that had not been there before. His smile was not the one she had grown accustomed to, for the reason that he no longer seemed sure of himself when he smiled at her.

No matter what she did, this was not the man she had married. He looked the same. He rather acted the same. Nothing too drastic had changed. But a wife always knows when something is different.

He didn't kiss her the same. That much was for damn sure. When she blinked her eyes up at him, as she had always done while lying on the bed waiting for him to lie down next to her, he no longer dropped whatever he was doing to come to her. When he did put his mouth to hers, it was mostly on the occasions that she asked to be kissed, and Beatrice did not favor this change at all.

Bea lived for Severus' kisses. They were like sweet milk to survive upon for her. She didn't understand the changes in her husband, but she marked them off to stress to his new job, and kept her mouth shut. Even though she desperately wanted her mouth permanently on his.

She merely prayed that, as she moved from day to day, doing the things that he adored her for, he would slowly remember how much he loved her and would return to his old self.

IIII

Snape gathered the laundry in the bathroom and with his arms full, marched back into the bedroom to place them in the hamper. When he had emptied his arms of the load, he turned and laid eyes on Beatrice.

She lay on the bed, with her head at the foot and her feet on the pile of pillows near the top. Her hair had been pinned up for the Saturday cleaning and it was beginning to fall in pieces that he wished to take in his fingers and place back in the various clips.

She stretched out her arms to him above her head, and peered at him in an odd upside-down way. She wiggled her fingers to him and whispered, "Come here, my love." How could he resist?

He looked into her blue eyes, as startling as the spring sky and he couldn't help but smile. She was lovely. He came to her and sat on the edge of the bed, placing her head on his lap, so she looked up at him as he petted her head in a soothing fashion.

"Yes Bea… what might I do for you?" She giggled a girly, young laugh that made his heart tighten at the sound of it.

"You might kiss your tired wife."

"Are you tired? Maybe you should nap for a bit. It is only mid-afternoon. I'll make dinner if you'd like to rest," Severus said, purposely avoiding her request for a kiss.

"A nap would be lovely. But a kiss would be better." Beatrice fluttered her eyelashes at him and smiled wide with her soft pink lips.

He wanted to kiss her, he truly did. Yet, every time he tried images of Hermione's face, with her eyes half-closed and her lips parted, popped into his mind. He dreading kissing his wife for the idea that he might see her, and wish he was really kissing her. Unfortunately though, one cannot avoid kissing one's wife, or one's wife will definitely think there is something wrong.

So, with that being said, Snape moved Bea's head gently off of his lap and he slid to his knees next to the bed. She turned her head expectantly and within the next second, with his eyes closed, his lips were upon hers. He wrapped one arm around her neck, holding her lips to his, while his other hand roamed up and down her side.

He heard her sigh approvingly into his mouth. At this, he decided it was his cue to let up. Hermione's mouth had indeed floated before his closed eyes and he wished to God they hadn't. At the sight of Hermione in his mind he desired her with everything he had, and hoped only that he could once more desire the wife he loved in such a way. He rose from his kneeling position, kissing Bea on the floor.

"Darling, where are you off to?" Beatrice asked, sitting up on the bed with her knees tucked beneath her. "I don't believe you've ever just stopped kissing me before." Because she was blonde, sweet and charming, Bea's one fault was that she believed herself irresistible to men. So with her husband literally turning his back on her, her pride was hurt worst of all.

"I was just thinking of some tea. Would you like some? How about chamomile, so that you can still nap." Severus didn't wait for her response but moved quickly to the kitchen. He felt dark inside, as he once had. It was harder than he had ever imagined to pretend to be his more agreeable self, when the old Snape wanted to pop out and leave Beatrice to ravage Hermione.

Beatrice lay down on their bed with her head resting on the pile of pillows. Something was definitely wrong. She considered the idea for a moment before falling into a deep sleep, haunted with images of Snape leaving her in a whirl of magic dust.

IIII

She watched him enter the Great Hall in a flurry of black. She noted that on this Monday morning, one week after the beginning of the new school term, he was once again back in his familiar black robes. She sensed a bit of familiarity in the man who swerved his way through the groups of children and students to his spot at the head table for lunch.

Hermione's own head felt foggy from the lack of sleep she was receiving. Every time she lay her head upon her pillow she feared she might be once more swept up into the dreamscape that had haunted her last year with Snape. They had spent the most wonderful time together in the dreamscape, confiding in one another, falling in love and then it all was smashed to pieces when the last battle of the great war with the Dark Lord took place.

Sometimes she still wondered what would have happened to them if the dreamscape had never ended for the two. If, even though they had been apart, leading separate lives, if the dreamscape would still bring them together and they would be as close as the had been. It was best not to wonder, Hermione reminded herself. Such behavior will only lead to trouble.

Yet, she could not deny that she did want to be back in the dreamscape with him. She wanted to see his face up close, old his head close to her chest, and hear his thoughts once more. What she really feared was not the dreamscape, but what he might say to her within it.

IIII

He took two bites of the bitter porridge before him and glanced side-ways down the table at her mass of brown hair, bent over the morning paper. He sipped some coffee in his mug and once again turned to see her, to make sure that she really was there in the same room as he was. He kept this pattern for most of breakfast, occasionally looking at his left hand, upon which was his wedding ring, and guilt rose like bile in the back of his throat. He would choke it back down with coffee, or a bite of toast and then look down the table toward Hermione.

"She's rather easy to talk to if you want. It would be a lot easier than trying to catch her eye across the breakfast table."

Snape looked up to meet Headmistress Collins' eyes. Her voice was shrill as she spoke, and he noticed the none too subtle wink in his direction as she finished her speech.

"Although, I don't know how I feel about a married man hitting on my most beautiful teacher." Roberta gave a girlish giggle and Severus wanted to smack her with the thick romance novel she was reading.

"No, that isn't necessary. I just thought I recognized her from when I was a teacher her under Headmaster Dumbledore."

"Oh is that so? Was she your student back then?" Once more she gave a little giggle and Severus couldn't take the thought of not hitting her anymore.

"I don't know. Excuse me Headmistress." Snape quickly removed himself from the table and walked behind the chairs of his fellow professors. He stopped behind Hermione's and he leaned down, whispering in her ear. " Meet me in my office during lunch hour today."

Hermione jumped at the feel of his breath on her neck and she heard his words slither into her ear. By the time she turned, he was already making his way out the door.

IIII

_Here is the next chapter… and review! If you read it, take the time to let me know what you think! It isn't a difficult process…. Thank you. _


	5. Sadism or Masochism?

Chapter Five:

The door was closed and the light was off. Puzzled, she stood in front of the locked door waiting for him to return. The dungeons were characteristically quiet, and nothing stirred behind the door she so longed to be behind herself. She wondered, where he could be?

She fussed with her hair, running a hand through it repeatedly, as though her fingers were the metal bristles of a brush. She repeatedly sucked and bit on her lips, hoping they would appear pink and soft, while calming her high-strung nerves. Where could he be?

The papers she had left to grade within her bag began to weigh on her shoulder so she slid the knapsack off of her shoulder and dropped it to the ground unceremoniously. Feeling like a fool, standing alone in front of another professors office, she once more checked her watch to see that ten minutes had passed. Why wasn't he here?

Turning, she looked back at the empty office again, and felt awkward and alone. She knew Severus was callous and cruel. She knew him to be rude. But, was he so cruel that he would leave her waiting for him for his own amusement? She wiped a tear from her eye. Hopefully, she thought, it would be the last tear she shed over Severus Snape.

IIII

He could see through the glazed glass, her shadowy frame. He knew that on the other side of the door Hermione waited for him. He knew that her lovely, round face would be agitated and upset at having been kept waiting and he knew that if he could see her that way she would appear even more endearing to him.

So, he kept the lights off in his office, hoping to drive her away with vindictiveness. He dropped his head onto his arms, resting on his desk. Without the constant sight of her in front of him, perhaps her image would not haunt him.

He felt his heart wrench at his own malice and he stopped that straightaway. He wasn't going to have himself feel guilty for no reason. He had no attachment to her, why should he feel that what he was doing was cruel? He had his own wife to think about, and how dare Hermione think that he would so easily forget that lovely blonde dream he kept waiting for him at home.

He looked up at the yellow light coming from outside the office door, and saw her body turn and look into the office again. He could not see her face but he knew that having been stood up, she no longer looked agitated, but heartbroken.

IIII

The pain in her lower back was pulsing, aching with every second she remained in the chair. Her eyes were blurring at staring at the white parchment for such a long period of time. She leaned back into her chair, relaxing her neck against a pillow she had placed there hours ago… or what felt like hours. She glanced down at her watch, realizing she'd only been grading for a little over three hours.

Her neck was stiff, her throat was dry, her back was aching and her head was swimming with run-on sentences from her various students. She needed a break. She glanced over her shoulder and saw her bed. It was waiting for her, she thought. Her body was aching to drift into the sheets and pull the down comforter over her tired frame. She longed to forget about the damned paper she had assigned and promised to have graded by the next morning. But she couldn't forget.

She looked back at the papers and shuddered. She would need caffeine. She waved her wand, filling up the pot of strong tea and poured some into her awaiting mug.

"Two sugars," she replied and once more waved her wand, having two sugars plop down into her cup unceremoniously. She waited a few moments for the tea to cool before she began sipping at it. With the hot liquid sliding down her throat, healing the dry feeling her head began to swim. She began to wonder if a hot drink was such a wonderful idea when she was already tired and longing to slip into her warm bed. Her eyes began slipping down and just as she realized she was going to fall asleep regardless she placed her mug on the desk and fell asleep on the pillow at her desk.

IIII

The heat of the lovely, warm body next to his overwhelmed him. She was cuddling next to him and he kissed the top of her blonde head, feeling her breathe deep and sigh. She was so beautiful and soft and… womanly. Everything he had previously dreamed of holding in his arms. Why then, was he head struggling to wrap his brain around the woman who needed him here with her.

His mind began drifting off sometime after two in the morning finally relieving himself of wishing he were not such a horrible person. His eyes began to feel heavy and sore from the lack of sleep. As he closed his eyes he loosened his grip on Beatrice felt her body drift to the other side of the bed. Had there been an outside observer it the other side of the bed might as well have been the other side of the world.

IIII

_She looked so peaceful. So tender, lying there in the blackness, arms spread out around her. Her small body trying to take up as much space as possible. He stood there, stiff, watching her. His arms crossed over his body and his left hand fingered the hair at the nape of his neck. As he did so he imagined doing the same thing to her, waking her from her silent reverie. _

_"Do you come here often?" He smirked to himself, finding his attempt at humor funny._

_She lifted her head and saw him before her, as once she had seen him hundreds of times. She was not surprised, but rather calm. _

_"Why did you return to Hogwarts? A sadist now? Does your lovely wife know about that?"_

_"Know about what? You?" _

_Hermione sat up, lifting her knees to her chest in temporary protection of herself. To Snape she looked like a scared child who had seen a ghost but attempted to appear relaxed from pure curiosity. _

_"Actually I was referring to your desire to torture me for your own sick pleasure. If you can make bad jokes, I can too." Hermione watched him make himself more comfortable. _

_"Well then, really Ms. Granger, do you come here often?" _

_"To the Dreamscape?" She began to feel less and less comfortable, wishing her mind would pull her from this terrible place. "I avoid it as often as possible, but sometimes I just can't avoid it."_

_"I suppose it has something to do with us being near each other once more that draws us to this place again."_

_"Oh now, 'this place'? I didn't know I sickened you so." Hermione felt the tears welling up in her eyes and choking her throat until she almost couldn't breathe. She took a minute of his silence to contain herself again. "If you don't want to be here, why don't you leave?" _

_"Now Granger, we both know the 'rules' of the dreamscape. If I could just leave, I doubt either one of us would be here."_

_Hermione snorted in mock disgust. She made herself comfortable, laying back once more as she had been when he first entered. She placed her hands in a relaxed position over her eyes so he could not see the tears streaming down her cheeks red from the burn of embarrassment. _


	6. For the Sake of Cheating

Chapter six: For the sake of cheating

She would do it if it killed her. She must. She would not be weak. She would not be stepped upon as a common welcome mat. She had feelings, and what he did had been utterly rude. Her brow was furrowed in anger and her mouth was pursed in the most unattractive way. She thought not at all with her heart this time, but with her mind. It was leading her towards Snape and her courage finally outweighed her fear and she raised her fist with heart pounding furiously in her chest. She gave three loud, vicious raps on the door with her clenched hand and stood waiting a reply.

"Good God, whoever is out there and obviously angry, go away. I'm in no mood. Your bad grade will stay that way for as long as it pleases me. And NO there is not 'extra credit' in my course. Good day!" Hermione heard Severus say from behind his dungeon door. She relaxed a little, smirking to herself. It sounded as though Snape was Snape again. She felt rather proud of herself as she turned the knob and briskly walked in anyway, despite all of his barking warnings.

When she entered the room was rather dark and drab. She at first had not seen where he was laying across his desk, head flat against a pile of papers and arms limp at his sides. She walked as quietly as she could toward him, until she stood next to his chair and looked down upon the sleeping potions master. She leaned down rather quietly until she was as close to his ear as she could get without touching the man she thought she handsome and yet so utterly vile.

"You stood me up yesterday." At the sound of her loud voice so close to his ear, Severus jumped high from his position and papers went flying off his desk. "It wasn't nice to ask me to meet you hear on lunch and then avoid me like the plague. Now who isn't playing 'nice' _Professor_."

"Ms. Granger, what in the world could you possibly want? You kept me up half the night in the dreamscape and now you're bugging me here?" Hermione's pleased smirk slid off her face as the realization hit her. Last night in the dreamscape was not in her imagination as she had thought it was. It couldn't be true. For nearly five years the two had not met in that horrid place, yet she had dreamt of it many times. It was not possible that it would all begin again, and last night of all nights after she was paining so much from what he had done to her! "Ah, so you remember last night as well as I do? Good."

"I… I… should go." Her anger and courage left her body rather cold and scared. If it hadn't been a dream she should never have come here today. She didn't know what to say to him and she was terrified of what he might say to her.

"Come now… I believe you came here to ask me why I didn't come yesterday. I think you know why as well as I do. It shouldn't have to be asked. What, Granger, have you lost your gusto? This reminds me of all those years so long ago when you cowered under me as my student, practically begging me for attention."

Hermione felt tears welling up in her eyes and she shook them back with two full, angry breaths. He had long since stopped being this cruel to her. This was not the Snape she had fallen in love with and it scared her that the man she loved _could_ be so damn cruel to her now.

"Stop it Severus. You will not talk to me that way. I am not the little girl I once was and I am no longer your student. I'm your colleague not to mention someone who once showed you respect and was there for you when you needed someone. I don't know where this is coming from at all… but I have this to say to you. You will not treat me as something to be walked upon. I will not be your lapdog. My love for you has faded as you faded over the years." Her eyes were fiery and his stomach felt empty and hard as he looked into the deep brown pools of them. He wanted to reach out to her and shake her to regain his own courage that had filled him not two minutes before.

Hermione walked away while she still felt strong enough to do so. He watched her reach the door before he called out to her.

"Hermione!" He stood rather faster than Snape felt he had moved in years. " Please, wait- I'm sorry…" Severus said as he watched her scramble through the door into the empty hall. He ran after her, finally reaching he rand grabbed her by the arm. "Stop. I said I'm sorry."

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that sorry does not, and will not fix everything Snape?" Hermione said, full of malice and disgust.

"No… no she never did. But…" He didn't know what to say. For once his tongue eluded him. He could no longer think and make his voice work. Hermione began to turn again when he whipped her around and pressed his lips to hers fervently. She felt his lips moving against hers and her breath caught in her chest. She opened her eyes and pushed away off of him, breaking the spell and walking away.

IIII

He could still practically feel her lips pressed against his. His walk home seemed lonely and empty. He felt like a bandit that had stolen something and was going to go home and be caught by mother. Yet, it wasn't his mother who would catch him, but his lovely, kind-hearted wife who would be more brokenhearted than he dared to imagine. Never before had he imagined cheating on Beatrice, and here he was, walking home guiltily, from work after kissing the first woman who had ever showed him love.

He had more in his heart for Hermione after what they went through together than he could even admit to himself. She had shown him was understanding and kindness was. He then broke her heart and married another. Maybe he was always destined to hurt the ones he allowed himself to love.

He opened the door to his home and into his arms bounded the most lovely little blonde nymph he had ever seen. She pressed her beautiful, pink lips to his and sighed with delight- the whole time Snape felt more guilty than ever—for he thought of Hermione's lips.

"How was work today darling?" She eyed him suspiciously for he had been in the house for a few minutes now and hadn't said a word. "Did anything interesting and worthwhile happen?"

Snape's mind flashed back to having Hermione in his arms and he wanted to die rather than have his wife look at him while he thought of her.

"No dear, nothing I'd like to think about now anyway, while I'm with you," he answered truthfully with a smile on his thin lips.


	7. Punished wih Thoughts of Maybe's

Chapter seven: Punished with thoughts of Maybe's

She avoided the Great Hall.

She avoided the library.

She avoided all areas common to all four houses and their staff.

She avoided Severus Snape.

She confined herself to her classroom, her office, and her suite of rooms on the first floor. She had Dobby bring her food every night, and checked the hall way before emerging from the room she occupied to move to the next one.

She punished herself for something that was not at all her fault. She punished herself for letting it happen. She punished herself for enjoying it. She punished herself for falling once more for the snake that was Severus Snape. He was not really a snake, she knew. But he slithered like one. How could a man treat two women just so? How could he be content to play on their emotions and their feelings for him.

He must know that both must be desperately in love with him (though the reason why always confounded her). She didn't know why, but she felt pity for his wife… for the woman named Beatrice who was wholly innocent and who never asked for this, and probably didn't even know what was happening. Hermione knew that as the '_other_ _woman_' she should mock and belittle the woman that Beatrice was. Yet she could not, fore it was not her fault she had married the man Hermione loved. She didn't even have any idea who Hermione was no less. Why should she hate her? Beatrice didn't even know she existed.

Hermione thought of going to their home that they shared together and telling Beatrice everything. Telling her that her husband who she had known to be truthful and loving, had kissed another woman, a woman that he had shared a long and winding history with. But Hermione could never do that. She knew that if Beatrice found out, she would hurt. Her heart would break and her mind would become empty of everything but the pain she felt inside and out. Hermione could never wish that pain on an innocent woman, fore she knew what it was like to love Severus… she had loved him herself for many a year now.

And so, she punished herself.

She punished herself for becoming the _other_ woman.

She punished herself for wishing she were the _only_ woman.

She punished herself for falling back in love with Severus Snape.

IIII

He went over it in his mind again and again. The feel of her mouth suctioned to his. The feel of her body, lean and small pressed against his. The scent of her hair, a hint of lavender, mingling with his. It was to become one of the most infamous and beautiful moments of his life, and it didn't even include his wife.

It was not Beatrice who haunted his dreams.

It was not Beatrice who suddenly made his heart pain with love and hate all at the same time.

It was not Beatrice who he wanted to go home to.

He hated that it was not Beatrice that concerned his every thought and movement.

He hated that he hated himself for feeling this way about another woman.

He knew that he could not go on being with his wife when he felt such a way about Hermione. It was selfish, yes, but he could not put himself through the torment of holding Beatrice and wishing it were Hermione. As he thought of the anguish, he thought how it would plague Beatrice to know where his heart truly lied.

He could picture it all.

Coming home one day, sad and somber, entering their once happy home to find her smiling face, change as she knew that he was about to break her heart.

He would ask her to sit.

She would not.

He would ask her to listen… and then she would know.

She would cry.

She would not rave.

She would ask him to leave.

She would, with tears streaking down her face in heartbreak and ghastly pain, stagger to the bedroom and close the door so she would not have to look at him as he was thrown from his no longer, ever to be happy again, home.

He knew he had to do it sooner or later. He could not make all three suffer in such a way when two need not really suffer if he just told his wife how he really felt. How selfish it was to think of his own happiness with Hermione when his wife would be dying of misfortune.

Then a rather humble thought entered his mind as he thought of Hermione. Maybe she didn't want him. Maybe he was imagining leaving his wife for her, and she didn't even want to see him. When this thought occurred to him an even more grisly thought came to his mind- maybe Beatrice wouldn't die of heartbreak at the thought of losing him either.

Maybe Severus had imagined all of this love for him, when really both would be content to see him go. Only one way to find out, he thought.

"I must speak to Hermione."


	8. Trancelike life

Chapter Eight: Trance-like life

Two weeks had gone by since he had made the resolution to speak to Hermione. The only problem seemed to be that Granger was harder to get a hold of than he thought. Not speaking to her made her linger on his mind even more.

Her lovely face wit those exquisitely expressive, round brown eyes and those pouty, smooth pink lips… it was impossible for Severus _not_ to think of her. Every free moment he had, he dwelled in his imagination, expanding that drugging moment when their lips finally met, in the hallway outside his classroom.

In the two weeks he had been thinking about it, he had wondered where that kiss might have led had she not pulled away so abruptly. He imagined tugging her clothes off slowly--- achingly revealing the body he dreamt of touching.

As his mind began drifting into that haunting place again, he stopped himself. He couldn't risk thinking about that, at this moment anyway. Bea was coming to visit him for lunch today.

He slid a smile- fake though it may be- on his face for her… not thinking of how Hermione might take it.

IIII

She had entered the Great Hall in a rather chipper mood compared to the days in the past week. Out of habit, she checked over her shoulder and, as a rarity, she didn't see Severus.

He'd been practically stalking her for two weeks as she desperately avoided him. She didn't think she could lay eyes on him without wishing she could throw her arms around his neck and embracing him. It was difficult for her to not let her mind linger on the kiss they had shared.

She didn't know why exactly she was avoiding him, especially since she knew he was trying so hard to get her attention. She just knew that if she was in close contact with him –alone- she couldn't keep it from happening again.

Hermione finished her lunch in the Great Hall hastily. She wanted to get out of there and back to her classroom before Snape came in for his lunch. She couldn't risk running into him again with her heart on the line like this. Yet she could not have left the Great Hall at a worse time.

As she exited, walking up the stairs from the dungeons was a little blonde woman, with fiery blue eyes, tugging on the long arm of a tall man with greasy black hair. Her heart stopped in her chest as she watched Severus smile at the blonde woman and heart her light, bright voice. She knew this must be his wife – his Beatrice. She was prettier than Hermione, she thought. They must o had lunch together. The thought made Hermione cringe. That was until she saw them embrace. Seeing his arms around her thin body and her smile as she kissed his hair…. It all made her nauseous.

After what felt like hours Severus ushered Beatrice to the door and her happy little body hopped through it. Hermione was in such a trance she hadn't thought to hide her obvious spying. As he turned around to head back to the dungeons he saw Hermione standing there wide eyed.

IIII

He followed her as she turned her back and rushed down the hall to her classroom. Why had he been so stupid as to not realize Hermione's sensitivities? Yet why should he feel guilty for having lunch with his wife?

As she entered her classroom she tried to close the door in his face. The students milling about the hall outside waiting for her to call them in to class looked at him suspiciously.

Severus walked in regardless and approached Hermione's desk.

"Miss Granger, we need to talk."

She turned on him furiously.

"Don't you 'Miss Granger' me! I've told you… I am not your student any longer Professor Snape!"

"You're right Hermione, I apologize. Now will you please let me know why you've avoided me after we kissed?" As he looked at her and saw her shield break down slightly, her voice softened. She was a such a lovely little woman.

"Snape, do you realize that my class is waiting outside, waiting for me to begin?"

"You're right Hermione, this is neither the time nor the place."

IIII

She watched him turn to leave, obviously dejected. He might be hurting but Hermione knew one thing. She was hurting much worse. As he walked out the door and students began to file in a solo tear slid down her cheek.

Jonathan Kipper a student who sat in the first row saw the tear slide down her cheek and he felt concerned.

"Is everything okay, Professor?"

She slipped on a fake smile and felt relieved to be away from him.

"I'm fine John, thank you."

IIII

The day was over and she felt exhausted, mentally and physically. She dreamt of drifting to her room on a cloud and tumbling into a bed with a warm cup of tea and a book. Maybe tonight she'd travel to the moors with Bronte, or to Mr. Darcy's estates with Austen… no… tonight she didn't want to think of tragic romance. Tonight she would read something that was pure fact, she would read an old favorite, a text book, bury herself in fact where nothing ever changed.

She left her classroom with her shoulder bag full of papers, books and quills hoping nothing would stop her from getting to her room as soon as possible. She could feel the hot water gently lapping at her skin as she lowered herself into the tub. She could taste the sweetened tea progressing down her throat, soothing the soreness of talking all day away. She could feel the book, solid and comforting in her hands. She could smell the scented mist moving upward out and about around her.

And before she knew it she was unlocking the door to her suite of rooms. She groaned heavily as she pushed the door open and swung her heavy bag off her shoulder and on to the floor next to the door. She didn't want to see that bag till morning. She lifted her eyes to her desk, looking for her teapot to put it on to boil, when she saw him. Severus was sitting in her desk chair, looking quite at her quietly. She gasped at seeing him, quite startled.

"What in bloody hell are you doing in here?"


	9. Intensity

Chapter nine: Intensity

"We need to talk." His voice was calm. He held the appearance of utter relaxation. Yet on the inside he was shaking with fear. Now that he knew Hermione was the one he loved, the idea of her beautiful mouth rejecting him gave him the chills.

"Good God, Severus we have nothing to talk about! You are married… you have a wife… a lovely, beautiful, kind wife!" Hermione felt exasperated . Never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined him coming to her like this.

"Yes, I am married… but Granger… Hermione…"

"Severus please! I cannot do this…. I can't go through this again! I loved you… I mean I really loved you… can't live without you love and then you disappeared. And.. and I still loved you! I was just starting to accept the fact that you are back in my life-albeit- _MARRIED_… and then you kissed me!" Hermione felt a sudden weight lift off her shoulders, and her brain released everything she had once felt toward him… Her mouth kept moving and she couldn't stop it. "You can't keep doing this to me Snape! You're married! And you aren't even doing it to _just_ me! You are doing it to her too! Worst of all she doesn't even know you're doing it to her. She must be perfectly content to have you hold her in your arms not even knowing that two weeks ago you kissed another woman and now you stand in her _bedroom_ asking her why she is ignoring you! How do you think she feels? How do you think she could even comprehend the fact that you could do this to her… and not even _care_!"

Severus got up from his chair and began walking around the room. He watched her as she stood there, her hand to her face, unable to even look at him.

"Hermione you are right. I'm going to tell her…. I'm going to tell Beatrice everything." He said it again as if trying to convince himself. "I'll tell her everything… starting from the beginning Hermione, from the dreamscape to the kiss. And then…" he paused. He had no idea what would happen next.

"And then? And then what Severus? Will you leave her? No you won't. You are too spineless to even leave her… no… just leave me okay? Just leave me alone… please." Severus watched her eyes begin to well up and knew she wouldn't want him to witness her crying, she he did as she asked… defeated… and left.

She heard the door close quietly behind her and she looked behind her to see if he was really gone. When she saw that she was really alone she threw herself onto her bed and began to cry rather uncontrollably.

She loved him all over again but she knew she couldn't punish herself anymore. He was married and he was not the fantasy man she had fallen in love with _literally_ in her dreams. He was rude, callous, not in the least the most handsome man around… and yet…

"I love him." She said it aloud because she couldn't stand the silence and the horrible sound of her own crying, yet hearing her own voice say it, broke her heart even more… Her body heaved with the realization that she was all alone in life.

IIII

He walked home slowly that night. He contemplated where his life would lead him now. Hermione was right. He couldn't leave Beatrice. He couldn't be selfish enough to leave her alone.. but he didn't love her… how could he stay with someone he didn't love? He knew he had to think about this. But would Hermione wait while he thought?

As he approached his house and saw the windows glowing with light, he thought of the woman inside. He turned the knob and went inside.

Beatrice was no where to be seen. She normally greeted him at the door but today she wasn't there. Well, he thought she's probably in the bathroom. He put a kettle on to brew and settled down to read the prophet. Yet he couldn't concentrate. His mind kept drifting toward Hermione and how completely kissable she had looked while she had stood there yelling at him. He thought about how right her words had been. It shocked him how he hadn't spoken to her in years and she still knew him so well. He thought how they had always had a connection… it had brought them together in the dreamscape. He thought of how something had pushed them together and they had felt so much for each other and never gotten the chance to express it. He wanted so much to hold her in his arms, to take her to bed and spend his life making Hermione happy.

As he thought of Hermione, merely sitting there sipping his tea, he hadn't noticed that he had yet to see Beatrice. This was highly unusual considering she typically made an appearance the minute he opened the cottage door. He slowly got up and walked to the bedroom.

"Bea?" He paused and turned on a light. She wasn't there. "Where are you?" he asked as he walked toward the bathroom door. He was beginning to have an eerie feeling. " Bea?" He pushed on the bathroom door firmly and heard the lock release on the other side. Severus opened the door to find Beatrice kneeling quietly on the bathroom floor, her back to the door. When she heard him enter she whipped around slowly, dropping on the floor whatever she had been holding.

"Bea, where have you been?" He noticed her face looked tense. "Bea?" She didn't answer but just sat there starting at him with those wide blue eyes. He looked down again at what she had been holding. It was a thin white stick. "Beatrice, what is that?" She didn't answer again so he knelt down and picked it up himself. It clicked in his mind exactly what it was.

"Beatrice, are you pregnant?"


	10. To have and to Hold

Chapter ten: To have and to hold

_"Just one question, Snape… I just want to know one thing and then we can go from there." She stood straight, fierce in her anger with him. He smiled, afraid a little because he loved this little woman so much. "Did you leave her?" She continued not looking him in the eyes but rather glancing around the semi-darkness of the dreamscape. _

_"Hermione, it's not that-" She cut off his words with a single steaming glare. _

_"Just Y-E-S or N-O Severus. It is not that difficult." _

_Severus heard her words, and thought he should step lightly. He did not want to lose her, but knew what he must say. He was terrified of speaking the words that would hurt her once more, and knowing all the while she didn't deserve it. He knew inside that he was a cad for doing it, and for thinking things about Hermione that no married man should think about a woman not his wife, and yet he wanted her so much. He desired her in a way that was completely foreign and unreal to him. Snape had spent most of his life being ignored, insulted, and tormented by almost everyone he had ever come in contact with. Yet now he stood in front of a woman who had opened his heart- the same heart that had been viciously closed the day Lily married James. And this woman- Hermione- reminded him so much of Lily. Everything she had been and everything she had made him feel. She was kind, when needed. She was brilliantly smart at everything. She was tough when she needed to be… and most of all… her touch made him tremble. Shaking himself out of his dream within a dream he rocked back on his heals, steadying himself for her blows of insults wrapped up in the inevitable truths. _

"_No," Severus said plainly. He couldn't sugar coat anything for her anymore. He knew she was a hard person to communicate with and why make it more difficult for both of them to hear? He smiled to himself as he thought he realized why the Potter and Weasley boys always looked so frustrated in school. _

"_No?" She repeated. She hadn't even realized that she had entertained a slight hope in her heart that he would leave Beatrice and coming running to he… until that hope was crushed and made her breathless. From that moment, she closed her heart to him, turning her back, disgusted with the sight of him, or rather, so entranced with the sight of him that the thought made her disgusted. She had selfishly opened her heart to him again- this time though he was married- she had trusted him. Once more her heart was broken and she feared the relapse into the depression she had barely begun to conquer creep back over her. It had taken so long for her to free herself of him. _

"_You don't understand, Hermione-" _

"_I don't understand? I don't understand that your are a slimy, two-timing bloody asshole who managed to make me love him AGAIN, and then just planned to string me along, while carrying on with his-"_

"_Will you shut up?!" When she looked back at him, his face was red with anger (or could it have been embarrassment?). She stood shocked, yet pleased with herself for getting that much in. "Hermione, you do not understand the position I am in. She's my wife. I made vows to her. I had planned to be committed to her for the rest of my life. I don't remember you ever taking vows such as the ones I've taken, so how would you be capable of understanding? You, who has never been married? I wanted to, Hermione. I wanted to walk in there, strong and competent because I knew that when it was all over, no matter how hard it was, or knowing that I was breaking her heart, I knew that when it was over, I'd come back to you… to be in your arms. I really… really… did. But you don't understand. When I got home… well, when I opened the door… DAMN IT!" Severus yelled, his confidence blown. He took a deep breath and began again. "She's pregnant. Beatrice is pregnant with my baby, and she told me last night. I have this responsibility now… one that I can't run away from." He walked toward her carefully, knowing he just might have caused her more heartache than imaginable. When he was close enough to touch she fell into him arms. _

"_But… I love you." Hermione said in disbelief, still reeling from the news. Her mind had been imagining all day their happy little life together once this was all over, and it was still hard for her to step away from the fantasy that would never be real now. _

"_And I love you Hermione, but this isn't a game. It doesn't involve just us now. I can only be so selfish. I draw the limit at hurting my own unborn child." His voice sounded resigned and Hermione knew he was right. She nodded awkwardly into his chest, feeling like she should be crying as her world crumbled, but unable to call up the tears. "I'm sorry 'Mione. We just seem to have terrible luck, don't we?" _

"_It's not fair but your right. I do understand." _

"_I have to try to make this work… give this other life a chance… its only fair to her and my child. I did love her once."_

_They were talking to each other, but neither was really listening. They both held each other within the dreamscape pitying themselves and licking their sore wounds. Finally Hermione broke the connection, breathing in his scent so close to her once last time before pulling away. _

_"Well," she said a slight smile on her face, trying to be her most congenial self. "Is this where I say 'congratulations'?" _

IIII

She laid beside him, watching him sleep. She felt his breath rising and falling in his chest as he absently held her with one arm around her shoulders. She fingered the shirt he had worn to bed, feeling the cotton beneath her fingers, unable to sleep herself.

She sat bolt up-right in bed as he mumbled something in his sleep. She must have heard incorrectly. He was still sleeping.

And then he said it again.

"I love you too, Hermione."


	11. To Be or Not to Be?

Chapter eleven: To be or not to be?

She fumbled with the lace on the top of her blouse. She fiddled with the loose string on the hem of her pants. She was terrified. She was more than terrified. She begun to trace her memory back two weeks ago when she had watched Severus sleep in the night. She thought of how tranquil he seemed and how in his sleep he did not carry that worried look that haunted his staunch face all throughout the day. She tried to remember what he had whispered in his sleep… the name. He had told someone he had loved them. But who? This person, whoever eased his worried brow and gave him peace within his sleep… this person could be… could be what?

She heard him moving about in the bathroom, readying himself for work, no doubt. She tried to rack her brain for a way to best approach the subject with him. Was there anyway she could mention that… _that name_… without him growing immediately suspicious? Severus was a quick witted man, if she gave anything away, she knew she wouldn't find out the truth.

He came out of the bathroom, shoulders hunched and head down. He had this new habit of never looking her in the eye. It destroyed her at first, but she got used to it, like she had gotten used to a lot of things being married to the odd Severus Snape.

"Darling?" She began. She tried to make her voice sound calm, even though her heart was pounding with fear of being found out. When he heard her speak he looked up at her, or rather over her, but in her general direction.

"Yes, Bea?" He asked, attempting himself to remain calm. For the past month Severus felt the tension between the two, and it reverberated in his head every moment of the day.

"I was wondering… I have an appointment this morning… for the baby," She began, noticing that as she said the word baby, he looked up rather cautiously and suddenly aware of the world around him. "And well afterwards, since I'll be near the school, I thought I might drop by for lunch with you? It has been such a long time since I've joined you _there_. I thought it might be nice?"

He noticed how when she mentioned the school her voice sounded a bit harder and it startled him. What about the school did she have to worry about? He considered her request in his mind, wondering if that really was such a good idea. Looking back at her, seeing her eyes clear and simple, with just a hint of worry in them, he decided he could chance it.

"Yes, that sounds… good. Why don't you meet me in the dungeons at 1:00? Now I'm going to be late if I don't hurry now. I'll see you this afternoon dear," Severus said before rushing from the room with a quick peck on her cheek.

IIII

Hermione sat in her office wondering what the ministry would say. She'd applied nearly two weeks ago and still hadn't heard anything even though she was overly qualified for the position. She had a month and a half to get herself out of here. She figured that by Christmas break she'd be long gone, never to see Hogwarts again. The idea made her smile. Sure, she loved the place. It had acted as home, school and now career for half her life. It was hard to just say goodbye to something like that.

Thinking of goodbyes she thought of Severus. She'd have to say goodbye to him once more. Never knowing what the future held for him, and still wishing she could be apart of it, even though she knew (now more than ever) that that was impossible. She found it profoundly curious that the more she knew of Severus and the other life he had begun to lead the more she loved him. There was no way for her to get him out of her mind… her heart… her soul except to get him out of her life first and foremost.

She wished, oh how she wished, that they could both go on from here on out, living their own separate lives yet still remaining close. She thought of how a year from now she could still be at Hogwarts and walk through the corridors one day to find Snape and his wife, a child… their happy little family, walking the halls exactly as she was. They would stop and chat, maybe share a laugh, and her heart would not ache with the grief of not being his counterpart within that happy little family.

No, there was no way for her to live her life, seeing Severus everyday and not loving him… or worse, loving him while he loved another. She cherished him too much for what he was. He was the first love of her life, and he was witty, and intelligent, and kind (though he would not really want anyone to know), and everything she long to become in her future (minus the scowls). Not to mention she respected him too much to stay here and let him ruin the good thing he had going for himself. He was married to a wonderful woman who loved him and who was carrying his beautiful precious child. As much as she wished she were his wife, it would never be, and she couldn't stand in the way of him being happy with someone else, just because she wanted him to be happy with her.

He had been acting like a spoiled child talking about leaving his wife for her. She was disgusted with that Severus. Disgusted because she knew that wasn't part of the man she loved. She knew that she had to go away so that he would always remain the man she _did_ love, even if she couldn't technically love him anymore.

_**Author's Note: I hope that all of my readers are staying tuned to see what happens in the saga between Severus, Hermione and now Beatrice. I hope you are all thoroughly enjoying it as much as I am. I want to take this time to let you all know that this is not the end. There will be more and there will be a solution that will satisfy me and I hope it might satisfy you, too. I want to thank you all for reading thus far, and for those few of you who review I want to thank you too! You are not only amazing readers, but you take the time to review which makes me super happy and (believe it or not) it does help in leading me to where I think the story should go. So thank you to all of you! **_

_**Now, as a personal plug for myself, I would also like to send all of my readers over to another story of mine, that I have just now begun in the heat of the moment! It is called **__**Sincere Corruption.**__** It is a story I plan to continue between Lucius, Hermione and Bellatrix! It will be a bit darker than **__**Who are You?**__** And **__**Faith**__** based on the fact that I am using much darker characters (ahem Bellatrix and Lucius, anyone?). So I hope you all read, review and enjoy as much as I am! **_

_**Thanks again,**_

_**Aubrianarose**_


	12. The Odds of Temptation

Chapter Twelve: The odds of Temptation

"Well, darling," Bea began, dejected. He hadn't yet given anything away, except for the fact that his mind was on other matters. "Thank you for a wonderful lunch." Snape put an arm around her shoulders rather awkwardly and kissed the top of her head as they walked toward the entrance hall of the great castle.

"Did the doctor say anything else? About the baby, I mean," Severus asked, clearing his throat uncomfortably. He still hadn't properly acquainted himself with the idea of being a father. Images of his own father still haunted him, and he was afraid that some things might just be genetic.

"Oh, no. Just what I already told you. We're both healthy… and happy I suppose," Bea added uneasily. "It should be due in May, shortly around the fifth he said." She thought back to the doctors appointment just a few hours ago where she had sat in the waiting room, crying, upset that she was married yet going through something so emotional alone. Maybe it was just the hormones, she thought. "Oh… he also said that… if we want… if you want, in a month or so we can find out the gender. We can find out if we're having a boy or a girl." Beatrice looked up at his long face, he was staring at the stone wall to his left. What am I doing here, she contemplated.

"Well, dear, I mean really?! Why would you want to leave Hogwarts? It's your home!" Both Severus and Beatrice looked up as they heard new voices enter the entrance hall, exiting from the dining area.

"Well, Headmistress Collins, it really is an extraordinary opportunity for me to expand my horizons and learn something new."

"But Hermione darling," the headmistress said, still trying to convince her to stay, until she noticed Severus standing there arm clutched tight around Beatrice. "Oh! Professor Snape! How are you? And who is this lovely woman?" Roberta Collins said smiling, beamingly at Bea. Hermione looked quite shell-shocked at running into Snape with his wife at such an awkward time. Hermione had intended to hand in her resignation in private. Severus cleared his throat awkwardly, not knowing how to introduce his wife to the headmistress, let alone Hermione.

"Oh hello Headmistress. I'm doing well. This… this… this is my wife, Beatrice." He looked down at Bea whose blue eyes were locked on the brown ones of Hermione, she looked confused and almost a little scared. Roberta, with her robust voice, interrupted his thoughts.

"How do you do, Beatrice? Mrs. Snape? And you of course must know our Transfiguration professor, Hermione Granger, do you not?" Headmistress Collins asked, patting Hermione on the shoulder in a friendly manner.

"N- No," Beatrice began, nervous at laying eyes on Hermione for the first time, and seeing the woman who her husband dreamt about. "We've never been acquainted before." She stuck out her right hand, taking a moment to look up at Severus, who watched her, a look of concern and desperation on his face. "It's so nice to meet you, _Hermione_ is it?" Hermione took her hand. Beatrice's hand was cold, a bit clammy, and soft in her own hand.

"Yes, it's very nice to meet you too, Mrs. Snape," Hermione added at the end, clumsily. They stood there, the four of them, in a moment of silence that was filled with strain and nerves. Finally, Severus cleared his throat again, feeling like he might suffocate under the pressure of it all.

"Well, Headmistress Collins… Ms. Granger, it was nice seeing you, but I have a class in a few moments." Snape said, loosening his grip on Beatrice's shoulder. He nodded his head at the two in front of him, before ushering Bea to the door. When they reached the great, double doors Severus looked over his left shoulder and saw Hermione and Roberta heading up the grand staircase and he felt relieved to no longer see her face.

"Well… darling, I suppose I should be going," Beatrice began, her entire body feeling weak and clammy, as if she had suddenly broken out with a fever. "Do you think you'll be home around your usual time?" She looked up into Severus' eyes, which were black as night, the clearness scared her.

"Yes… yes, my… love," Severus said, leaning down and kissing her lips lightly, knowing that if he did not get away soon he might implode. "I'll be home around seven. You… you be sure and rest as soon as you get home. You lo-look unwell. I don't want anything to happen to you or the-the baby." Bea smiled. He was trying, she had to admit that much to herself.

"Yes, dear. I'll see you at home then."

IIII

She opened the door to their small cottage, feeling the warmth of no longer being in the biting, winter cold. She turned slowly, closing the door behind her and clicking the lock into place. She removed her jacket, her arms feeling heavy and her body barely able to do simple tasks. Slowly, she stripped off her scarf, her snow boots, and her heavy socks, leaving them by the door in a heap that she figured she'd merely clean up later when her strength returned.

She walked gradually back to the master bedroom, the room they had shared through the good, happy times, and now the bad. She thought how depressing it was that people, everyone took the chance on marriage when even before the first day of marriage is over, both husband and wife proclaim that they realize there will be both good and bad… and they'll always be there for each other. How idealistic those vows are, Beatrice thought, as she lowered herself to the edge of the bed, pulling out her wand and conjuring a sleeping draught. How idealistic to vow that you will stay with someone through the bad… when you don't even know what the bad is yet. No one ever thinks the bad will actually happen to them on that happy day… and then when it hits, they never expect it. Beatrice let out a laugh. She hadn't expected this, she thought. And yet, she had vowed to stay with him through it. How idealistic.

She put the draught to her lips, sipping it slowly. She put the vial down, reclining slowly onto the soft pillows. She placed both hands on her flat stomach and thought of the child growing inside. How she wished that this child would not be idealistic, but realistic. How Beatrice wished that this child would never hurt like she had hurt.. or as it's father had hurt. With time, the magic of the draught began to work and she drifted off to sleep, proud of herself that she hadn't yet shed a tear over the soft, milky skin and rich, mahogany eyes of Hermione Granger.

IIII

_**Authors Note: Hello once again. I hope you are all enjoying everything so far. I have first to tell you that chapter twelve was supposed to be up yesterday… but after re-reading the one I had wrote yesterday, I didn't feel it fit. So I re-wrote it, to this, which was much more emotional and poignant, I think. I hope you all review with your thoughts on it, and your thoughts on where you think this story might be heading! **_

_**Again, I ask you to all go and read my new story, a Lucius/Bella/Hermione story, entitled **__**Sincere Corruption**__** . Thank you all for taking the time to read this! **_


	13. Aroma of Deception

Chapter Thirteen: Aroma of Deception

"Bea?" Pausing, he rested on the side of the bed. With the anxiety of having his wife meet Hermione still in his mind from lunch, and having gotten home quite late after grading over a hundred barely average potions papers, he wasn't up to dealing with much of anything. "Bea," he asked again, wondering what she was dreaming about in such a heavy sleep. He picked up the vial on the nightstand table and sniffed. Smelling the ingredients of a sleeping draught, Severus now knew that Beatrice was heavily sedated. "Damn it, Beatrice, wake up!" She slowly began moving, fluttering her eyes leisurely. With her pupils out of focus, she merely saw a dark mass sitting next to her. The scent of his skin filled her nostrils and she sighed. "Well its about time, Beatrice. I've been shaking you for nearly five minutes and you haven't budged an inch! How much of this sedative have you taken?"

"What?... What… what are you talking about Sev?" Bea began, the fog of sleep still filling her mind uncomfortably.

"Beatrice, _how much_ of this sedative have you consumed, and how long ago did you take it?" Severus asked, growing quite angry at her.

"Why are you yelling at _me_?" Beatrice sat up in the bed, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head, trying to wake herself up.

"Why am I yelling at you? Do you realize that sedatives or rather _anything_ unnatural could hurt the baby? Did you know _that_, Beatrice?" Sudden realization hit her hard and woke her from her sleepy state at the curt tone of Severus'.

"Oh my.. you're… you are right." She rubbed her eyes again, looking down at her flat stomach, and touching it gently. "I was just so… so—"

"So what, Beatrice?" Snape's anger was rising at a dangerous rate, and the sight of her, looking so innocent and tired in the bed upset him even more.

"I guess I was just tired but couldn't sleep," she answered defensively. "I didn't think about the possibility that it could be dangerous, I'm so sorry."

"Exactly, nothing in that naïve head of yours comprehended the fact that you are not only caring for yourself any longer but that of your unborn child!"

"Severus! You have never, _never_ talked to me that way before." She looked at him, eyes wide, concern and shock all rolled up in one. While looking into those deep blue eyes of hers he saw something that he had not seen in such a long time and guilt flooded his heart.

"Oh god, you're right, Beatrice. I'm… I am so sorry. I suppose I was just upset from the stress of today… and I was taking it out on you for no reason." He moved toward her, wrapping her in his arms, and burying his face into the soft curve of her tender neck. She accepted his apology outwardly, but inwardly she remembered the face of Hermione Granger, and the tone in his voice—the angry look in his eyes that he had shared with her.

IIII

"You're leaving?"

"Well hello Professor Snape." She looked up from her bedroom desk, to see his dark frame standing in her doorway. "How are you?"

"You're leaving?" He asked again, feeling the weight of the day before, having the two meet swelling within him.

"Severus, please, we're both going to be late for our first class if you hold me up much longer." She began shuffling papers around her desk and stuffing books into her shoulder bag.

"Why are you leaving? No… wait… More importantly Granger, why aren't you looking me in the eye?"

"Snape, really. You're acting like a child. You just left your pregnant wife's bed to come harass me straightaway in the morning! Stop it." Realizing the own emptiness in her voice, realizing she was speaking meaningless words to the man she loved, she stopped. She looked into his eyes for the first time since yesterday, the day she'd met Beatrice. "Okay, I'll tell you. I got a job at the ministry. Starting after Winter Holiday I'll be starting in London as a secretary to the Minister."

"Why are you leaving?"

"I'm leaving because… I'm leaving because she's a sweet woman and she deserves to have your full attention." Hermione looked into those dark brown eyes, almost black, and saw everything she ever wanted. He slowly moved out of her way, feeling the depth of her words. Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she walked out of the room, looking at him every step of the way.

IIII

She watched her walk from a dark corner in the Entrance Hall. She had just exited the Great Hall, probably done with her midday meal, Beatrice thought. The face of this woman was contemplative. Docile as though it may have seemed, Bea sensed a bit of sadness in her deep brown eyes. Hermione hadn't noticed her watching her from the distance in the hall, but as she walked by Bea got a slight whiff of lavender as she headed toward the grand staircase.

She was certainly lovely—in an unconventional way. Oddly, that seemed more his type than her own, she decided. The girl she watched was everything that was opposite of herself. She was younger, quite a bit, maybe half Severus' age, she thought abruptly, shocking herself with the truth. She had that brown hair, heavy wavy curls, that she bet any man would love to fill his hands with. The most disturbing and alerting thing about this woman, Hermione, Beatrice thought, was her face.

She had this beauty that was not the kind that a person noticed right away. It took a minute of staring at her features, each separately unimaginative, until unexpectedly you realize you might possibly be staring one of the most beautiful people you've ever seen. Her exceptional, avant-garde face must have been exactly what her husband desired about this woman, Bea thought, feeling foolish for even coming.

As Hermione walked up the steps toward the second floor, Beatrice suddenly lost her nerve. She saw in this woman beauty and kindness, and suddenly she wasn't angry at her anymore. How was she to know this woman was guilty of anything at all? She took her shaking hand and placed it over her stomach. The fetus that grew within, was still too small to feel, but Beatrice thought she had such a special connection with it already that she sensed it.

Startled out of her silent reverie, she looked into Severus' face. While watching Hermione walk up the stairs she hadn't noticed her own husband had come up out of the dungeons, and here he stood looking at her, with his arms crossed, and the most quizzical look upon his face.

"Beatrice, sweetheart, what exactly are you doing?" His voice was sugary sweet, false which made it effortless to detect his uneasiness.

"I… I… I don't exactly know," Bea paused, taking a moment to calm herself, since her heart had begun to beat quite rapidly at being spotted at Hogwarts lurking in a corner, by her own husband. "I… I was bored by myself at home. I… I missed you." Sensing how nervous she was, Severus immediately grew suspicious.

"Well," he began, wondering what move he should make next. "Why don't you come and sit in my office. I only have one class left today, and then some papers to grade. You could keep me company." He took her by the arm, pulling her gently but firmly in the direction of his office, noticing the way her eyes traveled up the stairs in exactly the same direction that Hermione Granger herself had just gone.


	14. A Coward and A fool

Chapter 14: A Coward and a Fool

Chapter 14: A Coward and a Fool

She folded a small blanket up angrily and stuffed it in her shoulder bag. She'd get cold on the long train ride and regret it if she didn't have one close by. She sat on the bed, looking about her. Boxes were piled up all over the place, full of books, clothes; full of everything she owned; full of all of the empty memories she was too afraid to lose. She wanted to cry. She tried to make herself but the tears never came. Instead she breathed in the air of Hogwarts Castle, wishing it wasn't the end. There was a soft knock on her door and she sighed as she moved to answer it.

"Ms. Granger?" A small blonde asked as Hermione pulled open the door. She recognized her almost immediately as Beatrice, Snape's wife.

"Mrs. Snape? What are you doing here?" Hermione asked, confused, the butterflies in her belly set off and she filled with nervousness.

"I need to speak with you. Can I come in?" She asked, unconsciously massaging her stomach.

"Yes, of course." Hermione stepped back and allowed Beatrice to enter.

"Going somewhere?" Bea asked, noting the boxes piled against the walls.

"Yes, I've…. I've taken a job at the ministry, I start next week." Hermione's voice quivered. She didn't know how to proceed.

"Look, I won't beat around the bush…" Beatrice breathed deep, summoning all of the courage she could muster. She never thought in her wildest dreams she'd be doing what she was about to do. "I know you've been sleeping with my husband." Beatrice took a deep breath and stared at Hermione, who stood facing her, open-mouthed.

"No… I-"

"Please," Beatrice held up her hand to silence her before she continued. "No need to lie or defend yourself. I've made my peace with it for the sake of our baby. I just needed to talk to you myself and make it more real for me, I guess."

Hermione waited a moment to make sure she was done before she dared to say anything.

"I never have slept with Severus. It was never like that. We've hardly even talked this year. I'm telling you the truth." Hermione began to pace unaware of where to go from there. She wanted to run away. It took all of her inner strength to stay put. "Severus and I knew each other a long time ago. He was my Potions Teacher when I was here. We fought in the wizarding war… it… everything that was between us was a very long time ago, and _I've_ made _my_ peace with that." She thought back to the first time they had entered the dreamscape together, such a very long time ago.

"He was your teacher? So you aren't in love with him?" Bea sighed in relief; a feeling of serenity overcame her. She was gullible and naive. She'd come here with every intent and purpose to ask her to stay far, far away.

"No, I wouldn't say I was in love with him." She had to stop herself from adding that she wasn't in love with him the same way Beatrice was.

"But that doesn't explain why he whispers your name in his dreams." Bea said under her breath, half to herself.

"He does that? He whispers my name?" Bea couldn't help but notice how Hermione's eyes lit up at the very thought. "Perhaps he's having a nightmare of the final battle. I dream of it myself sometimes. I thought I saw him die not feet from me that night in Godric's Hollow, you know." Her eyes were heavy and she finally felt as though the tears she had been willing to fall not too long ago were finally going to do so now.

"No I didn't know," Beatrice began. "He never talks about the past. " She felt sighted. The man she loved above all others shared something to intimate with this girl and she, his own wife, had never known. "Well I had better be going. Have a safe trip."

Beatrice showed herself out of the room and closed the door softly behind her. Something in those wispy brown eyes made her want to believe her. The note of tenderness in her voice led her to believe that Hermione did indeed have feelings for him, but perhaps they were just friendly ones. They had known each other for so long and had been through so much together. This thought alone made her so jealous. They had a history, unlike one they would ever have. Not to mention the fact that he wouldn't even speak to her about his past.

Beatrice was lost in her thoughts. She didn't know what to believe. She wandered around the outside property wondering what she was going to do. What if Severus was in love with that girl? She couldn't blame him. Hermione was lovely and kind and shared with him so many memories that she, Bea, could never replicate. She walked out of the gates of Hogwarts towards Hogsmeade Village, toward their cottage, towards home… her hand resting on her belly silently the entire time.

IIII

She collapsed against the wall. She shuddered, attempting to breathe as she let out frightening, wet sobs, gasping for air, wiping at her tears and nose angrily. Why did she come here? Why in Hell did he come back? She would have been fine had she never seen him again. His deep-set black eyes still haunted her. She'd probably never lay eyes on him again.

She got up off the floor wiping her wet cheeks. She was resolved to leaving here; leaving this place was really the best thing for everyone. She'd move to London, perhaps meet a man and one day hopefully she'd look back on this, look back on Severus and smile.

Hermione walked into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, splashing warm water on her face. She looked at herself in the mirror, unsure of herself, unsure of her future. Either way she knew what she had to do. She walked back to her room, took her purse, her shoulder bag, and made sure she had her train ticket. She took a piece of paper out of her notepad and jotted down a note to Roberta thanking her for everything and listed her new address with directions for her to ship all of her belongings in the coming week.

Hermione walked right out the front doors of Hogwarts. Her head was not held high like it should have been. She did not feel proud. She was taking the coward's way out. Oh Severus, she thought, how did it ever come to this?


	15. Hold your Breath and Close your Eyes

Chapter 15:

Chapter 15: Hold your Breath and Close your Eyes

Her mind was whirling. Thirty-five hours without sleep and counting. She was exhausted and moody. She felt rather relieved at the thought that she didn't start work at the ministry for almost a week. It was rather like a vacation. She had never really taken a holiday and this one she thought she'd dread, alone, by herself, in her own head. Every time she laid down to sleep her mind started turning.

That first night, when she settled down in her new bed in London she was sore from the days activities of moving. She was exhausted both mentally and physically and was so damn grateful that when she placed her head to the pillow it was cool and soft against her cheek. This isn't so bad, she thought, not exactly like home but a bed is a bed. It wasn't long before she finally drifted off to sleep, her body relaxing into the mattress, her head practically melting into the pillow.

That's when the dreams started. They weren't hard to understand, even in her dream state. Severus was there. He was everywhere, haunting her thoughts. He was following her into the forest and she laughed in pure joy. Her heart was pounding and she saw Beatrice standing to the side, watching the scene, tears staining her pretty, soft pink cheeks. Severus stopped when he saw Bea. He went to her and wrapped his arms around her body, massaging the lump at her belly. He looked to Hermione, his eyes dark and unreadable. She couldn't see if he still cared, she didn't know what she would do if he didn't care any longer.

Hermione went to the couple. She stood directly in front of them. Aching to sink into them, share their happiness. Beatrice stood by Severus, her arm linked through his, her face hard against Hermione. Severus shooed Hermione away, attempting to make her leave. She could not join their happy family. She was all alone and they made this apparent. She couldn't leave. She was drawn to them, to their circle of love. She kept circling them, admiring the beauty of their devotion. Beatrice was getting angry, Hermione saw this but she could not move away. She thrived near them. Beatrice pointed at Hermione, whispering something to Severus. His faced changed instantly from anxiety to disappointment.

He unlinked his arm from Beatrice; he kissed her quickly on the cheek and went to Hermione. He took her by the arm deep into the forest. Hermione's heart skipped, filling with the happiness she knew Beatrice had felt. Severus stopped abruptly once they were in a secluded area. It was darker here. The setting sun could not find its way into the thickness of the wooded area. He pushed Hermione to her knees. She smoothly kneeled down before him. If this is what he wanted, she would do it in an instant. Within a moment, Severus knelt down to her too, taking her hands in his, kissing her gently. She reveled in the moment, enjoying the feeling of his lips on hers. He stood once more.

He removed his wand from his robes, giving her one last look of longing before pointing it at her. Hermione didn't understand. Her heart was racing in her chest, beating so hard she thought it might come out of her, and lay before her on the grass floor beating slowly to her death. Severus looked away. No eye contact could be made and this terrified Hermione more than the act itself. Suddenly, with a slight movement of his lips, Hermione was in excruciating pain. She felt only the knife like feeling slicing through her very being ripping her in to. She tried to plead with Severus but her lips would not move she could not control her own body. She moved her eyes to the side, knowing she couldn't last much longer. She saw Beatrice then, smiling on the scene. It became clear in the haze of blinding pain that Bea had commissioned this. It was then that Hermione realized that Severus was doing this to prove his devotion for Beatrice. The excruciating torture continued until Hermione, sopping with sweat finally gave up the fight and knew that she would never survive.

Hermione awoke at that moment, the moment of her dream death, really truly soaking with sweat her body tender and achy from the tightening of her muscles in anxiety in her dream state. The dream had been so realistic; unlike anything she had experience before excluding the dreamscape. She was terrified. Hermione reached for her wand, wanting to turn on as many lights as possible in her new, small, cozy apartment that now became her prison.

Remembering that feeling thirty-five, wait, now thirty-six hours later made her still as anxious as the original feeling had. Closing her eyes only brought forth that image of Severus standing over her with sadness in his eyes pointing his wand directly at her heart. She poured another cup of tea. Maybe with enough caffeine in her system she might be able to stay awake forever, or at least until the images in her minds-eye disappeared. She paced the small, sparsely furnished apartment that was to be her new home. She had unpacked almost everything due to her inability to sleep.

Hermione flopped her body down onto her blue loveseat and reached for the remote. A definite plus to no longer living at Hogwarts was the easiness of using electrical appliances again. How she'd missed television, she thought. She could effortlessly sink back into this lifestyle. How easy muggles had it, Hermione thought. Magic only complicated things instead of making them simpler. With magic, with what came with magic… she couldn't even complete her damn thought! She clicked on the television and started flipping around channels.

Nothing caught her interest. She was dead tired. She was also rather bored. She thought of going out but it was nearing 8:00pm when she looked near the clock. Severus was clear in her mind. She relaxed on sofa, picturing his scowling face and she smiled to herself. Nothing would ever be the same. She would not be the same person she had been before Severus and she would never be able to forget what had happened. She felt the tears welling up behind her eyelids and she fought them back with the strength of a pro-fighter. She would beat this she told herself. She would get past it all, and move on. How does one move on? She knew that all she had to do was close the door. Close the door on Severus Snape and the dreamscape and on Beatrice Snape forever. Once she closed this figurative door she could move on. Once she moved on she could become her old self again. She would become her strong, independent self. She would no longer wonder what might have been. She needed merely… to say… goodbye.

Hermione shot up from her position on the sofa and opened her eyes wide. She looked around her and realized that she was rather chilly in the apartment and looked to the fireplace which stood empty besides her blaring television. She pointed her wand, which had lain beside her unused since she'd arrived in London, and lit a fire. Quite quickly the room became warm and comforting. She stood from the loveseat and headed towards her small wooden desk in the corner. She grabbed a piece of parchment and her quill and set to work.

_Severus, _

_There are so many things I wish to say to you. Many of those things will never, ever pass my lips because I know it will do no good to utter them. When I think of you I think of that smirk of yours or the way you always comforted me when I needed it. Most of all, I think of that connection we had; I think of that connection that we shared that no one else could ever understand. The way you understood me was like nothing I have ever experienced. I should thank you for that. What happened with you was an experience of a lifetime. I know that it is useless to persist. I know that I shouldn't stick my nose where it doesn't belong. I know that no matter what I could do or say you are happy with your wife and that is exactly as things should be. _

_But in truth, I must admit that I loved you. I do love you. That will never go away. It is like something that will not and cannot just simply disappear because it is something that is bigger than both of us. I wish for my own well being that I could just forget it really. It would make moving on so much easier. But since that is not possible, I'll do it in my own way, which is to simply say goodbye so that this will end and that I can move on and you can pretend that it never happened. _

_If I could do anything differently I would have stayed with you when I visited you in that shack all that time ago after the war. If I had, we could have been very happy together. But I was too stubborn and afraid to do it. I missed my chance and that is my own sorry fault. Either way, there is no need to rehash the past. _

_Goodbye Severus Snape. Goodbye Dreamscape. Goodbye quick glances in the dining hall. Goodbye secret smiles and most of all, goodbye to that feeling that you gave me in my belly every time you looked my way with those dark eyes and gave me one of those half-smiles. I will miss you more than you know. I only ask that this be the end so that I can move on accordingly. _

_Thank you for everything Severus. _

_Love, Hermione_

She signed the letter at the bottom, her hand shaking quite a bit, her palm sweating all over the feather quill. She looked over to the bird cage hanging from a hook and chain in the ceiling and she wondered whether she should really send it. If she did, she could finally say farewell to whatever had been between them and move on with her life. But if she sent it, she risked the embarrassment had he already accepted her leave-taking as goodbye enough and had already moved on. Was she hanging on to something that wasn't even there? It didn't matter. She had to send it so that she might get away from this. Maybe if she sent it, she'd have enough peace of mind to finally get some sleep. She got up from desk and walked to the owl cage with the letter in hand.

"Hello Lynette. Do you want to go for a little trip" She petted the bird softly, feeling the soft feathers under her skin. She took a treat from the bag on the shelf beside the cage and placed it in Lynette's beak. "Good girl." The brown owl stuck out her willing foot. Hermione took the letter and kissed it where it had been sealed before she gently tied it to the bird's leg.

IIII

He poured another glass of firewhiskey. As he shot the burning liquid down his throat he begged for it to knock him unconscious. Nothing of the sort happened of course. In fact after his third glass he still felt quite sober. Severus put the bottle away. He knew that alcohol wouldn't solve his problems.

He tiptoed from kitchen to living room, quietly lighting a fire. It was near ten o'clock p.m. and his wife slept soundly in the bedroom. Severus had decided that he would get good and exhausted before he went into bed. He couldn't bring himself to lie down next to her and pretend everything was alright. He couldn't bring himself to lie to her face any longer. He wished, wholeheartedly, that things had been as they were a year ago. He had been peaceful with Beatrice, now he didn't know the meaning of the word peaceful.

The fire had slowly begun to warm the entire room and Severus stretched out on the sofa removing his outer robe. With the combination of the heat, the alcohol and a good, boring book he should be willing to sleep at any point now. He picked up Tolstoy's "Ana Karenina" and began flipping through the pages. In this agonizing nineteenth century romance he might lull himself to sleep. He settled into a position that he found quite comfortable when he heard a light tapping on the sitting room window. He turned abruptly, grabbing his wand. At the window was a small brown owl, using its beak to knock upon the window.

Severus rose from the sofa and went to the glass. He slid it open as quietly as he could and took the letter tied to the bird's leg.

"Well thank you very much, whoever you are." With that, Severus once again shut the window watching the bird turn tail angrily and begin to head back. He looked down at the letter he held in his hand, addressed to him of course. He flipped it around and began opening the seal.

In side he looked straight to the bottom of the written pages and saw her signature. "_Thank you for everything Severus. Love, Hermione". _ Good God, thought Severus, a letter from Hermione. The image of her wild brown hair and even wilder honey brown eyes floated into his line of vision. He quickly and abruptly settled himself into the cozy chair by the fire and began reading.

She loved him; she had said so in the letter. He kept reading until he had finished every last one of her words. When he reached the end he just sat there, staring at her words, wondering what in the hell he was going to do next. He could go to her. He wanted to see her. He was angry at himself was letting it get this far. Severus rose from his sitting position and began going around the house quite wildly. Yes, he thought, he would go to her. He stopped when he reached the dining room. He couldn't leave Beatrice. She was almost eight months pregnant with his child. He placed the letter gently, ever so gently, on the table beside him and paused to think.

He could be back by morning. She would never even know he had gone. She would awaken in the morning and he would be right where she had left him. What did it matter either way? He was Severus Snape. He didn't have to answer to anyone, not even his wife! He would go to Hermione, just to see her lovely face again and be back by morning to greet his wife. The thought of seeing her again was torturing him. He needed to do it for himself. He went to the closet grabbed a thick robe for flying and reached around the corner for his broomstick. He would go to Hermione and talk to her. What would he say? It doesn't matter, Severus thought, he'd think of that on the way. He just had to see her.


	16. Incongruency

Chapter 16: In-congruency

Chapter 16: In-congruency

The wind was whipping him angrily in the face as he flew. He hardly noticed it. He felt the chills run down his back and he felt the pressure of the air pushing at him as he rode along, but none of it mattered. He had been through much worse in his life than a little wind and chilly, night air. He couldn't fly fast enough. He pushed his body down onto the broomstick, willing his expedition to move more speedily than it already was. He was anxious. Severus Snape, sat astride his broom, his heart pounding in his chest, his face screwed up in a scowl of confusion. Soon he would be near London. Soon he would be near Hermione. Soon just wasn't good enough.

And then what? He hadn't thought of that. As he approached the soft lights in the city below he wondered where this would all lead anyway. He hadn't prepared himself for what he might actually say, let alone actually do. He had thought he would use that time on the broom. What would he do when he knocked ever so anxiously upon the door? What would he do when she swung the door open wide and saw him, windblown, tired, and just a little bit drunk standing outside? Would she usher him in with open arms? Would she question him? Of course she would! She had said goodbye, or at least she had thought she had said goodbye. But he couldn't leave it at that. She would wonder what in God's name he was doing on her doorstep late at night while his innocent wife slept at home, not even knowing he had left. He couldn't think about that now, he chastised himself. He leaned down further and started his slow incline into the heart of London where he knew was now living. He would think about it once he was there, in the moment.

IIII

She lay rather groggily on the bed. It was almost two a.m. She needed to get some rest. She had drunken some soothing chamomile tea and had even conjured a sleeping potion if things got that bad. She turned on to her side, adjusting the sheets and blanket around her once more and stared at the potion on her bedside table. She mentally debated whether she should actually take it or not. Normally she was wholly against using this sort of method to ease out of her problems. Yes, she could not sleep and hadn't in quite some time, but she would fall asleep when she absolutely couldn't take it anymore. She was fall asleep eventually. A person couldn't stay awake for the rest of their lives.

But she could almost taste the sweet release of sleep! And it just happened to be staring straight at her through a small goblet filled with a beautiful, blue liquid. She couldn't hold back any longer. She sat up in the bed and grabbed her wand.

"Lumos," Hermione whispered to herself in the dark. Instantly a light appeared through the tip of her wand and she sighed in relief. She pointed it at the goblet of sleeping elixir and grabbed it in her left hand hungrily. She considered it once again. With this potion she might not wake up for quite some time. That sealed the deal… If she could fall asleep forever she would. All the easier to forget that which she didn't want to remember. She threw her head back in a dramatic fashion and poured the goblet's rich liquid down her throat unceremoniously.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

Hermione looked up from her place on the bed. She slowly set her glass down gingerly on the table beside her and gripped her wand only tighter in her hand. Was someone at her door? How could someone be at her door? She was in London! Nobody but Ginny knew she was here, and it wasn't as if they were close enough any longer to go visiting at two in the morning.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

There it was again! She was sure of it now. She rose from the bed and felt her head sway from side to side. Damn that sleeping potion! She knew that no good could come from taking that. Now she had someone pounding on her door at night and she was about to be knocked off her feet by a rather strong exhaustion. Hermione slowly gained her bearings as she walked quickly to the door. She would just find out what this person wanted before she drug herself back to bed to accept the potions ultimate grasp over her. She squeezed the wand tighter in her hand and advanced through the apartment. As she reached the door, she stood on tip-toes to look through the peep hole. It was pitch black out there and she couldn't see a damn thing. Her heart began to race in her chest as she contemplated the chances of having an angry ex-death eater standing outside her door in the middle of the night.

"Who… Who is it?" Hermione half whispered to herself, not truly wanting to know who it was.

"Ms. Granger?" A man's voice passed through the door, but was muffled. Hermione didn't recognize whoever it was. She took another look through the peep hole before giving up. The sleeping potion was kicking in slowly but steadily. In a matter of minutes she would be knocked out cold. It was better to find out who it was and what they wanted and make it back to her bed before she ended up staying the night on the hard floor in front of her door. She reached for the door knob with her left hand, holding her wand at an even length as she swung open the door. It was dark outside so she couldn't immediately make out the face of who it was that had come to visit so late.

"Ms. Granger? Are you alright?" His voice was wafting in and out of her ears and she was beginning to feel quite light headed and found it rather impossible to keep her eyes open.

"Huh? Yes, I'm Ms. Granger," Hermione said as she swayed back and forth trying to squint her eyes enough to focus on the face in front of her. "Sev? Sev, is that you?"

"Yes! Yes its me… have you, been drinking, Granger?" Severus asked, looking at Hermione oddly as she stood barefooted inside the apartment with nothing on but a light nightshirt. She of course didn't have time to answer his question before she fell headlong into his waiting arms. He caught her suddenly and heaved her up so that one of his arms was beneath her knees and the other supporting her back and neck. He pushed into the apartment, carrying the weight of her. "What have you done to yourself, girl? Alone in the world for two days and I find you like this, eh?"

Hermione of course didn't answer, she lolled her head back and forth before finally settling it on the curve between his neck and shoulder. No matter, Severus thought, drunk or not the only thing this girl needed now was a bit of sleep. He adjusted the weight of her and began searching the apartment for her bedroom. Because it was so small it wasn't exactly difficult to find. As he pushed the bedroom door open he saw a room with a bed and was glad that it had been so near. He walked in and pushed the door shut behind him. He gently, ever so gently, laid her upon the bedcovers and looked at her. She looked so peaceful in her sleep. Severus' eyes rolled to the side of the bed where he saw a glass with a thick blue residue on the outside. He picked it up and sniffed. Definitely not liquor he decided. Well, a sleeping potion was a simple cure. He would simply go into her kitchen and fix up a remedy to awaken her so that he could talk to her before morning so that he might be able to return to his wife.

IIII

Her eyes felt heavy and full. Her head wasn't feeling all that light all of a sudden either. She tried to slide her eyelids open but found it difficult to do so in her current state. The last thing she remembered was laying down with that awful sleeping potion. Slowly, ever so slowly, she opened her eyes. It was dark in her bedroom. Maybe she would just go back to sleep.

"Awake are you?"

Hermione's eyes shot open once more. She wasn't alone. She sat up dazed, her head spinning wildly.

"Don't worry. What? You don't recognize my voice Ms. Granger?"

Hermione spun her head around and saw him in a chair only a few feet away. He had been sitting there the whole time, observing her sleeping. It had taken all of his will power and control not to climb into that bed next to her and hold her sleeping, tired body in his arms until daylight.

"Severus? What are you doing here?"

"I got your letter," He said. He moved from the chair and went to her bedside and sat next to her.

"If you received it, then you obviously didn't read it." Hermione was almost angry at him. He had come here after she had asked him for that to be the end.

"Are you angry with me?" He asked. He hadn't been expecting that reaction.

"No. No, not angry. Surprised I suppose. I never thought I'd see you again." She was still so groggy from the potion and she couldn't think clearly. The night before she had sent a letter to him to wish him goodbye and now he was sitting in her bedroom.

"Did you really think it would be that easy? Did you think that you could just escape it that easy? Escape me that easy?" His voice sounded hurt and bewildered. She looked up into his eyes angrily. Her brown eyes lit up with fight and fire, ready to lash at him.

"You think that was easy? Who are you to question me about escaping?" She looked at him and saw those two dark pools of his eyes and he wore a look that she could not read. He looked so unemotional, but his voice gave him away.

"I'm not escaping anything. That's why I'm here. You can't just say goodbye like that."

"And why not, Severus? What is so wrong with me doing things the easy way, just this once?" Hermione began to choke on her words. Her voice began to get sticky with the mucus that was a sure sign that tears were not far behind. But she held them back. She would not let him see her cry this way.

"You said you loved me." His face was bearing down on her, but his voice was weak.

"And?" She stood up from the bed and began pacing about the room. "And, Severus? So I said that I loved you. Don't be a child and act like those three little words are going to change anything."

"Ms. Granger, don't you dare patronize me right now."

"Patronize you? You come here to my apartment in the middle of the night after I tried to end things.. .and why aren't you with your wife? Where is she? Sitting at home knitting you a sweater while your off with your floozy no doubt."

"Don't speak about Beatrice, Hermione. You have no idea how this is tearing at me inside. She is at home sleeping." His voice was cold suddenly. He somehow was able to hide his emotions and the sting of him doing so was like a slap in the face for Hermione. "And you are no floozy."

"No floozy, huh? Severus, I'm the other woman! I am in love with a married man! That in everyone's book makes me a floozy!" Hermione couldn't hold the tears back any longer. She became hysterical as she looked at him sitting on the side of her bed, rather helpless in light of the situation.

"No Hermione, no." He rose from the bed and walked to her slowly. He awkwardly opened his arms to her, beckoning her to come inside. "If anything she is the other woman, as you have known all along. You were here first." Severus held her in his arms, wrapping himself around her and pulling her as close into his body as humanly possible. He leaned his head down and let his dark hair drape over his face as he planted a kiss ever so slightly on the top of her head.

"I was here first? Oh Severus," She sobbed ever so slightly into his dark robes, wiping her tears and snot and drool from her face and looking up at him with her brown eyes swimming in an ocean's worth of tears. "What is to become of us, then?"

IIII

She awoke with a start. There was a pain in her belly. Not a strong one, but a pain none the less. It startled her. She sat up in the bed and rubbed her stomach soothingly.

"Severus?" When there was no answer, Beatrice reached over the side of the bed and turned on the table lamp. The room was empty save herself. He was probably in the living room she assumed. She rose from the bed, sticking her cold toes into her warm pink slippers. The pain in her belly had dulled to a slight ache as she marched from room to room. "Severus?" She called again and again. There of course was no answer. She was alone. Where could he have possibly gone, she thought. She walked to the kitchen and opened the ice chest to grab out a cold bottle of water. Her throat was dry and a drink would sooth her and hopefully ease her back to sleep.

Beatrice walked with the opened bottle of water to the kitchen table and pulled out the chair at the head. This was Severus' chair, she thought, though God only knew how often they had a meal together lately. She sighed, resigned not to think about such things at the moment. It would only upset her. She noticed the piece of paper lying on the table next to her. How odd, Bea thought. Severus was meticulous in putting things in there place. It was probably a bill that he had forgotten to file away. Regardless Bea pulled it to her. It would occupy her mind, she thought. Little did Bea know that that piece of paper would haunt her for the rest of her days. She drank her water hungrily as she began to read the neat scrawl and couldn't believe her own eyes.

"_I must admit that I loved you. I do love you. That will never go away."_

"_If I could do anything differently I would have stayed with you when I visited you in that shack all that time ago"_

"_that feeling that you gave me in my belly every time you looked my way with those dark eyes and gave me one of those half-smiles. I will miss you more than you know." _

That whore, Beatrice thought as she read the rest of the letter accordingly! That whore had lied to her! All along that woman had been after her husband. All along! Beatrice stood from the chair angrily, unsure of what she was going to do next. Her heart rate had increased rather fast and her breathing had quickened. She couldn't stop picturing those soft, doe-like brown eyes telling her that nothing had been between her and Severus. She couldn't believe that she had lied to her face! Suddenly she cried out in pain as the shock of a contraction in her belly hit her once more.


	17. Myself Once More

Chapter 17: Myself once More

Chapter 17: Myself once More

He kissed her. It was like no kiss they had ever shared previously. Severus was awkward and didn't quite know where to place his hands. Hermione was shy, never quite being able to shut off that ever-present voice in her head. After a few moments of being pressed together, bodies and mouths, Hermione pulled away and sat unceremoniously on the side of the bed.

"I think you should go, Severus."

Snape stood there, wrapping his long arms around his body inelegantly as he stared at her, sitting there. She had shut down her emotional whirlpool, it seemed. She would not look at him, but had her brown eyes locked on to the opposite wall, her face as hard as stone.

"I will not leave," Severus said, sitting down in the chair where he had spent most of the night.

"Go home to your wife. Go home to your baby." Hermione was breathing unevenly, her body shaking with the strength it took to hide away her feelings and close the dam. She tore her eyes away from the wall and looked first at the floor before chancing a look at him. He sat there, pouting in that way that was a second nature to him. He sat brooding for what seemed like forever, not giving in and not saying a word. "Severus, please. Don't you see that this isn't going to work. There is nothing about this that will ever work. She needs you."

"Why are you trying so hard to get rid of me?" His voice had turned cold and it iced her blood as it ran through her mind.

"Because I have to. I won't let you destroy me this way!" Hermione gulped down the long speech she longed to make, and settled for reaching for a tissue on the bedside table, wiping her welling eyes.

"I don't want to destroy you. Believe me, that is the last thing I want. But, I can't go back to her." Severus hadn't meant to say it. He hadn't even believed it himself until he heard his own voice saying the words with such honest conviction. It was true, he knew it was, and yet, he didn't know how he could possibly go about making it a reality. Hermione looked at him. She unexpectedly appeared angry and unnaturally hard.

"You _can't_ go back to her? You can't go back to _her_?! Are you ruddy well out of your mind? She is days, maybe weeks away from giving birth to your child and you are giving up? Giving in?" She took a deep breath to regulate her racing heart. "I... I never knew you were such a coward."

In an instant he was near her. She backed away in fear as he raced his open palm and half swung it at her. Hermione braced herself for the impact of what she thought would be a grand slap. When it never came she opened her eyes slowly, to see him standing in front of her, his arms to his sides and his head hung low.

"I am a coward," He said. "But don't you see? She isn't the one. She isn't you, Hermione." Her heart was breaking as she heard the words. She swelled with unimaginable love for him. She wanted to take him in her arms, and she did. She came at him slowly, gently as she held his large frame against her little one. It took a moment for Severus to register the sudden change before he, too, wrapped his arms around her small body and pressed her into him.

Severus took her face in his hands, his long, pale fingers stroking up and down her face. In an instant they were kissing, neither knowing who started it. Neither caring either way. It wasn't awkward or shy this time. They were suddenly on the bed, tearing at each other clothes rapidly, hoping that with each button that popped or each rustle of fabric that soon it would be skin on skin.

IIII

She sat in that chair for hours.

It seemed like days.

The pain in her stomach had subsided as she sang to herself, sang to her baby the lullabies of her own childhood so long ago.

And still she waited. The dawn was breaking in the distance. She could see the first soft glow of orange on the horizon outside the bay window that faced eastward. It struck her that she hadn't watched the sun rise in a long time. It was possible she hadn't seen one since she was a child herself, with her mother in the mornings, while she readied herself for school. She hadn't appreciated the sunrise then, and she couldn't concentrate on this one now.

She looked down at the table and stirred another scoop of sugar into her lukewarm tea. The letter sat beside her on the table, pristine as he had left it in that very spot. She had re-read it several times, careful to keep her brimming tears off of the paper. She had sat there since she had found it, not moving except to make tea or to retrieve yet another tissue from the box on the kitchen counter. Beatrice half wondered if he would return at all, or if he had left her just like that, no note, save the one from her and no sign of ever coming back.

IIII

They held each other in the tangle of sheets. Severus had waved his wand leisurely at the window near them to open it not too long ago so the cool morning air had entered and was beginning to cool off their heated bodies. Each mind was wandering about, over the last hour of their lives. They had been fighting. They had been kissing, and then they fought some more. Somehow, with all of the anger and confusion spent between them, they had ended up in a heap on the bed with only one thing to do. And so they had. They had kissed and touched and explored one another as they hadn't previously had the chance to. Both knew inside that it was wrong, but neither stood the chance to say no once things had escalated so far.

Hermione propped herself up in her elbow. While brushing her bushy, brown hair off of her hot back she eyed him. He looked tired, half asleep as he was, with this sad sort of smile playing across his lips. Hermione relished the moment, just staring at him. She enjoyed the soft sound of his steady breathing. She took time to memorize the image of him, naked in her bed, his pale, white body taking up more than half of the light blue sheeted mattress. She never wanted to forget the happiness and solitude of this moment.

"How long are you going to watch me sleep before you get bored?" His voice was barely above a whisper. He hadn't dared open his eyes yet, knowing that once he did it would break the spell of the peacefulness.

"I don't know, really," Hermione said smiling into the nook of his shoulder. "How long can you lie there pretending to be asleep?" Severus smirked and finally opened his dark eyes and turned onto his side so that they lay, both dark heads on the one pillow, staring into the others face. Both knew what was coming next but they couldn't quite find the courage to speak the words. Remembering how she had called him a coward, Severus was the first to break the silence and speak.

"I have to tell her."

"I know."

"Will you come with me?"

Silence.

"You know that I can't do that."

"I do know. I merely hoped."

"What will you say?"

"I don't know. Perhaps I'll cross that bridge when I come to it."

Silence.

Severus pulled her body over, kissing her gently on the forehead before he rose. Hermione sighed into the pillow, the spell broken and both feeling quite awkwardly themselves once more.


	18. An Affair to Remember

Chapter 10: Bedside Darkness

Chapter 18: An Affair to Remember

He stuck his key in the lock.

It turned easily.

Slowly he swung open the door and walked forward into the cottage. He placed his keys in the bowl she had purchased so long ago. The key shaped bowl, hand-painted a brilliant gold that she said would make their house a home.

He slowly removed his cloak and hung it up on the hanger in the coat closet the way she had berated him to do for ages.

An old dog can learn new tricks, she had always said.

"Good Morning."

He turned slowly. He had known she had been there all along, sitting at the dining room table.

"Morning…" He responded, running a cold, yet steady hand through his mess of dark hair.

His eyes ran over her just as hers were running over him.

He noted the circles beneath her eyes. He noted the empty cup and tea pot. He also, with a slight shock, noted the letter that Hermione had signed so longingly with tears the night before.

She noted his disheveled hair. She noted his guilty look cross his face, then disappear almost instantly, the way she knew it would.

"You were with her?" Her voice was shaking. She wasn't as strong as she thought she could be.

He said nothing.

He nodded.

"You slept with her?"

He nodded again. Severus walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge.

"Bea-"

"Don't you even think about trying to defend yourself."

"I wasn't going to."

Beatrice put her forehead in her hands, rubbing away the tears. She sat that way for what felt like forever to Severus, but was more likely only a moment or two.

"Let's just forget the whole thing."

Severus choked on the water in his throat.

"I'm… sorry?"

"I said… let's just forget the whole thing. At least until after the baby is born. Everybody makes mistakes." Beatrice looked up with a sort of smile on her face. Her eyes look decisively blank and the smile she held in place looked almost manic.

Severus thought about it. He thought about walking to her and placing a gentle, yet loving kiss on the top of her head and taking her to bed where she needed a good long rest. How easy it would be, wouldn't it?

_Coward._

The word echoed in his mind. Her voice echoed in his mind. The taste of her kiss filled his mouth.

"Beatrice. I cannot just forget about the whole thing."

"Why not?" She rose from her chair and began running her hands in a circular motion over her round belly.

"Ms. Granger… Hermione isn't just an ex-colleague or something of that sort."

"You fancy yourself in love?"

"Yes. I mean, it is not just a fancy. I do… I do love her."

"You've made a terrible mistake."

"Yes I did."

"Then you'll stay and make up for hurting me?"

"Beatrice, don't you understand? The mistake I made was not hurting you… Well that was a mistake… but the big mistake of my life was letting her walk away."

Beatrice looked down, resigned and saw her hand, with that gold band resting on her belly so full with his child.

"Severus… we have a baby."

Silence.

"Yes."

"Are you going to stay?"

"Do you want me to?"

Beatrice sat there. She placed her shaking and sweating palms on her belly and massaged the twinge of pain that had suddenly returned.

She hadn't thought this far.

She hadn't asked _herself _ if she wanted him to stay.

She had only gotten so far as asking him before the jealousy consumed her.

"You're a bad person."

Severus stopped pacing.

"I'm a bad person?"

"Yes," she responded, her eyes full of tears.

"I _am_ a bad person."

"So are you going to stay?"

"Would a bad person stay?"

IIII

Getting out of the shower she grabbed the mocha colored bath towel off of the rack. After drying off her body she took the towel to her hair, wrapping it around her head. She walked to the mirror hanging over the sink. In the foggy condensation in the reflection it was hard to make out her own face. Yet, somewhere in the mist she saw her own eyes and although she knew her lips weren't smiling, she saw a smile in her eyes.

She quickly got dressed and went to sit on the sofa. From the sofa she could look out the window of her apartment and observe the front walkway. This she decided was not a good thing.

A watched pot never boils.

Hermione rose and paced the apartment.

Books.

A book was exactly what she needed.

Walking to the wide shelves she approached the selection. What would distract her? What would keep her company? She picked up a murder mystery, something light. She relaxed in the reclining chair and began to read. Quickly her mind was filled with the images of dark alleyways and the eerie silence of impending doom.

The only impending doom she expected was to wait here for the rest of her life and never hear a knock on her door.

She flopped the book over on its back and picked up the television remote. If those muggles had one thing down, it was the fact that they knew how to distract themselves from the world around them.

IIII

She lay on the bed, a pillow wrapped around her head.

She wiped at the snot dripping out of her red and tender nose.

She could feel the weight of him as he shifted at her feet.

"Please Bea, there's no need for this."

"No need?" Beatrice sat up as quickly as she could with her round mass of a belly. Her hair was sticking up in odd directions and her face was red and wet with tears. "Do you know what an ingénue is?"

"Yes…" Severus adjusted himself so that he looked her straight in the eyes. He deserved this. He would not shy away from what he deserved.

"People don't leave the ingénue, Severus! People want to be the ingénue."

She grabbed a Kleenex off the side table and blew her nose.

"What is so special about her? She's plain. She's bookish. She is not an ingénue."

"Don't be cruel. She isn't plain. She is bookish. Yet, so am I. We are alike. You and I… we know nothing about each other."

"And whose fault is that?"

"You are completely correct. I made a terrible mistake-"

"Not this again!"

"No, I made another mistake. When I decided to marry you, I should have given it a real shot. I thought that you'd be one of those women who just let me be… who would let me sulk in my self-important way and not ask too many questions. What I didn't count on was still feeling what I once felt for Hermione. I did love you Beatrice. And I do love our child."

"Then why do this? Why leave me to raise a child alone that you said you wanted?"

"Who said you had to do anything alone?"

"If you loved me once you could love me again."

"I don't think I can."

"Because you haven't given it a real shot."

He looked away from her and focused on a spot to the right of her face. He couldn't imagine the truths floating in his own eyes. He couldn't even seem to mask his own face with the occlumency he knew so well.

"Now that she's moved on, away, to the city, you can. Please, Severus. You owe it to me and the baby." She took a deep breath and struggled to keep the anxiety out of her voice. "You took vows. Give it a real shot, and if it doesn't work, then go to her."

"You want me to stay then?"

"Give me until the summer. By then, the baby will be born and the hard part will be over. It's six months."

"Plenty of time to fix a broken marriage," Severus quipped half-heartedly.

"And plenty of time to let what is between the two of you die," Beatrice said more to herself than to him.

"Let me think about it." This was not a question but an answer unto itself.

Beatrice nodded with a slight smile on her lips.

"Nobody leaves the ingénue," she whispered as Severus left the room, his dark robes rustling in his wake.


	19. Don't Lose

Chapter 10: Bedside Darkness

Chapter 19: Don't Lose

"She's asked me to stay."

"Forever?"

"I believe that's the idea, though she's only mentioned six months."

"Why six months?"

"Apparently it is the appropriate time to forget former loves and the baby will be a couple of months old by then. The hard part will be over," he quipped half-heartedly.

"Will you?"

"Will I forget former loves?"

"I'm being serious."

"As am I."

"Yes or no?"

"Both are hard to do, yet easy to say."

Silence.

"This isn't something I can help you with."

"I know."

"I'm too biased."

"Both are wrong, and both are right."

It was odd how both were talking, neither hearing the others words.

Everything was caught up in the silence between them.

The easiness that was so new and fresh.

"So what do you figure?"

"I need time to think."

"I hate to say it, but you've had a long time. You've spent months thinking before you showed up on my doorstep. Sev…" She took a deep breath and held his larger hand in her smaller one. "I can't wait forever."

He looked into the sadness of her eyes.

"I couldn't ask you to."

"I won't hate you if you feel obligated…" The tears she'd been battling back all afternoon swelled in her throat. "I just want you to be happy."

"Hermione, I've messed up things so royally. I don't know what is right and what is left any longer."

"That will complicate things a bit," she laughed.

"I love you."

"But do you love her?"

He took a moment to think, to let his mind wrap around the question.

"I did once."

"Could you love her again?"

She saw the smile glimmer on his lips for the merest of seconds.

"I have to go." He sighed as he rose. "I shouldn't be here."

"Have you made up your mind?"

"Yes."

Hermione stood up, trying to fight back the tears.

"I love you, Sev. Not that I'm trying to sway you either way…"

He took her in his arms and pressed his lips to hers.

She didn't want it to end. There were so few kisses.

This felt too much like a goodbye kiss.

IIII

The door creaked open in an eerie way. The silence inside settled over him like a storm cloud.

Déjà vu.

"Beatrice?"

"Sev, is that you?"

He grunted incomprehensively as he tossed his keys on the side table.

"Thank god your home!"

He walked into the living room, following the sound of her sugary, sweet voice.

She lay on the long sofa with a pillow jammed under her bulging belly, so big so quickly.

"I think I've gone in to labor!"

"We need to talk, Bea."

"Did you hear me?"

Severus shook his head and took a seat on the coffee table so that he could look into her eyes.

"Sev, I'm in pain. We should get to the hospital."

"What?"

"Severus, what is the matter with you?! I'm only five months along! This isn't supposed to be happening."

"Oh my god!"

"Now you're getting it!"

"You can't be in labor."

"I know that! That's why we should go to the hospital!"

"Right… right."

IIII

"Have you been under a great deal of stress?"

They locked eyes across the room. Severus slouched in his chair.

"A moderate amount." Her voice was sheepish as the doctor rubbed her stomach.

"Tsk, tsk. I've applied a soothing cream. This should relax the child and ease your pain."

"Thank you." His voice was cold and stiff.

The healer's eyes floated from one to the other. There was a chill in the room. He quickly excused himself, promising to check up on them in a little bit.

A hush befell the quaint hospital room. Beatrice lay on the bed, her hands folded and resting between her stomach and her breasts. Her eyes closed and a stillness fixed upon her face.

Severus watched her.

"We can work this out."

She sat up slowly.

"That's what I've been saying all along, my love."

He grimaced.

"That isn't what I meant, Bea."

"Why do you hate us so much?"

"Don't be so dramatic."

"Dramatic? Is it so much to ask that a husband actually love his wife?"

"Beatrice, this is neither the time nor the place for theatrics like that."

"You are the one that brought it up."

"I'm sorry for that."

IIII

He sat at his desk in the castle, drumming his fingers on the stack of papers he should have been grading. It'd been two weeks since the hospital.

Not one episode since that day.

They lived in mostly silence, a silence of amity. Or so it felt.

Back at school he relished the time away.

Nearly lunchtime. He rose and began his slow walk to the dining hall.

As he walked in and saw the four house tables packed with students of all ages he was suddenly glad he wasn't alone.

Severus tottered to the head table noticing the still empty seat where Hermione had previously sat.

All of the teachers had taken over a bit of her coursework until a replacement could be found.

He took a seat beside Headmaster Collins.

"Good afternoon Professor Snape!"

"Good afternoon," he mumbled as he spooned some beef stew into his awaiting bowl.

"Is anything the matter? You seem most preoccupied these past few days." She seemed honestly sincere and though he usually despised the woman and all of her good cheer today he was too tired to simply ignore it.

"I just have some things on my mind."

"Aye, we all know how that goes. With a baby on the way, I'd sure have a few things on my mind!"

A thought struck him unexpectedly, as he sat talking with the new headmistress. This feeling of familiarity floated over him and he wished it would not end.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Roberta cocked her head to the side, simpering at him.

"There is, actually." How did one go about asking for this? Better to just blurt it out, he thought.

"A previous headmaster was a good friend of mine, I believe his portrait is still in your office…"

"Ah, I see. Well the password is 'contact'. I'll be done with lunch in, say thirty minutes, will that be enough time for you?"

The twinkle in Ms. Collins eye was oddly reminiscent and he smiled to himself.

"Thank you."

IIII

"You took a bit of time coming to visit me."

"I am sorry about it."

"I'm constantly hearing Roberta go on and on about the professors here, your name has come up quite frequently these past few months."

"Yes, Dumbledore."

"And so has a former student of ours… Ms. Granger?"

Even though it was merely a portrait of Albus, a mere memory, it had the same wise smile and knowing eyes. It said all the right things. It was as if Severus sat right in front of him once again, as he had done so many times before for so many years.

"What is it I can help you with, my boy?"

"I'm hardly a boy any longer."

"I would say your hardly the boy you once were… I would hardly recognize you, Severus!"

"Is that a good thing?"

Ignoring his question, Albus went on.

"What is it I can help you with from inside this oil painting box?"

" I'm married. I'm months away from having a child."

"What marvelous news! Congratulations!" That twinkle that was the very essence of Dumbledore floated in his flat profile. "So you are happy?"

"That is yet to be seen." The same darkness that had been so common all the previous times he'd sat in this office was here once more. It was as if his old persona, the man he'd been, the sadness and loneliness became him once more. He fought it off and drove himself to stay on course. He didn't have much time. "I'm in love."

"That is usually a quality parallel to happiness, is it not?"

"Not with my wife…" Severus added, almost ashamed.

"Ah. It wouldn't happen to be a former Gryffindor you pined after for much too long, would it?"

"No. Well yes. It isn't Lily." He shuddered, he hadn't spoken that name in what seemed forever. "It's Ms. Granger, Hermione."

"Hermione! I always thought she was so much like our dear Lily, yet so different."

"Albus, it isn't the time to say something like that." His brow furrowed as the glorious redhead in his mind morphed to and fro with the simple brunette who he loved so dearly now.

"And she isn't the wife who is carrying your child?"

"No of course not. If she was I wouldn't have a problem!"

Dumbledore wisely ignored the burst of anger.

"You want out? You are past attempting to forget?"

"How can I?"

"Great loves are hard things to forget, and for you, I would recommend holding on to all the love you can."

"How can I end this without hurting her?"

"Hermione?"

"No…"

"You can't, Severus. You simply cannot."

"Then what do I do?"

His dark eyes were pleading with the painting, the helplessness settling over him.

"You do what feels right."

"Stop talking in circles!"

"Severus, this isn't something that can be solved to make everyone happy. You merely have to look inside yourself for the answers. I am sorry, but for something like this, all I can say is, you know what you must do, you know what will happen."

Severus nodded.

He hung his head low.

"I cannot break Hermione's heart again."

"Then don't, my boy. It is that simple."


	20. Back at One

Chapter 10: Bedside Darkness

Chapter 20: Back at One

"Hermione!"

"Severus, I don't care anymore. You can't do this to me any longer." Her voice was frigid, almost manipulated in its coldness.

"Please, you have to be patient with me. This is a difficult situation for everyone."

Silence.

"Hermione… don't do this. She's having trouble with the baby. You can't ask me to up and leave her, pregnant _with my child_ without any care for the welfare of them both! The baby will be born in four months…"

"You are asking me to wait four months?" She paused to let her mind wrap around the words that were flowing into her ears. Did he really mean it? Four months?

"Yes." How could he make it any easier? He knew what he needed to do, but how could he be supportive of Bea in her pregnancy and still be with Hermione?

"And during these four months you'll be playing husband and wife?"

"Not really…"

"Not really? Severus, are you hearing yourself? This is ridiculous. Have you even really made up your mind?"

"Of course I have! I want to be with you!"

"Then what are you doing?"

"Hermione, I don't believe you understand how hard it is for me."

"How hard it is for you?" She stared at him in disbelief. His black eyes were shielded with a sheen of hardness. "Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how hard this has been for me? To be the woman waiting for the man she's loved to _finally_ realize he loves her back? To _wait_ for this man to leave his pregnant wife—"

"Don't be so selfish. You knew that I was married. You knew everything before it began. This isn't a fairytale, Hermione. I don't want to be her husband, but I don't want to abandon her either! You should respect me more for trying to do the right thing in a situation riddled with difficulties."

Hermione took a deep breath. He was right. Severus was so right it scared her. She was acting like a selfish child. How did it get like this, she asked herself? This behavior in itself was so unlike who she really was… who he really was!

Regardless it didn't make the realization any easier.

"I know, Severus. I apologize."

Severus didn't stop at that. His mind was still whirling from the sudden fray they'd been dragged into with their own pettiness over the situation. He couldn't stop himself. In his mind he kept imagining himself striking her and storming off, angry and childishly. He wished to sink back into his old self, the self that would not care who he hurt along the way, only and always watching his own back.

"Its just that… its just—I don't know if I can wait any longer." Hermione looked down sheepishly, afraid to meet his dark and disapproving stare.

"You won't wait?" His mind clouded with the anger he was attempting to hold at bay. "After all of this, after everything you and I have been through, you won't wait four measly months to be with me? Do you call that love, Hermione?"

"Severus, please. Don't you accuse me of not loving you… or for not waiting for that matter! I've waited, longingly, loving you since the day I walked away from that shack on the hill!" Hermione took a step back, calming herself. The tears that had been brimming finally spilled over her brown eyes and ran a rampage down her pink cheeks. She didn't want to fight any longer. "It's not that I don't want to wait four months. I love you! I'm merely afraid. I'm afraid that after these four months she'll ask you to stay until the baby is one, because then separation will be so much easier on her when the child is older. And after that year, she'll ask you to stay until he starts school, because once he's away she won't rely on you so much. And after that, then she'll ask you to wait until he's graduated, because its your responsibility as a father. I want to wait, I do. But waiting forever will kill me, knowing that you aren't with me, not really… you'll still be with her. I never intended upon being a kept woman, and I don't intend to start now."

IIII

The ultimatum she had given him was clear in his mind.

It was an easy choice, to be sure.

He reminded himself of Dumbledore's words, keeping his will strong.

"Did you decide what you wanted for supper?" Her voice which had once been melodic in his mind had become shrill from stress and fear, it seemed.

He shook his head.

"Well when you do, let me know if you want something special."

He turned to face his desk once more. He heard her withdrawing footsteps.

"Bea, wait."

"Yes?"

They'd been living on the edge for so long, that when he called her back her voice jumped an octave, revealing the fear he knew hid within.

How was he to say this?

Did he even know what he was going to say?

"I'm leaving."

"What for? Did you need to pick something up at the store?"

Severus wanted to laugh. Her naïveté was hilarious in times of complete seriousness.

"No, I mean I'm leaving you."

Her eyes darted around the room and he calculated how her mind was wrapping around the words and attempting to draw up tearful pleas.

"Oh Severus, really. We've been over this again and again and you promised you'd wait the six months, and then you promised to at least wait until the baby was born!" Her voice cracked and he straightened his back, intending to keep his resolve.

"I apologize for that. I have not been quite myself."

"What in the world does that mean?"

"It means, dear, that I am leaving on Saturday. My things will be packed and gone."

"Is that so?" Beatrice patted her full belly and leaned against the wall opposite Severus. "And what about me? About us?"

"You will want for nothing, that I can assure you of…"

"Except for you!"

"Unfortunately that is out of my control."

"You bastard! How do you sleep at night, knowing what you are doing to me?"

"You should know exactly how I sleep, seeing as how you stay up and watch me, making sure I do not sneak off again. Isn't that so?"


	21. On the Outside Looking In

Chapter 10: Bedside Darkness

Chapter 20: On the Outside Looking In

True to his word Saturday rounded quickly on Severus.

As he looked around the room and counted the many scatters of boxes, he felt a rush of relaxation that he hadn't felt in quite some time.

What did unnerve him was the wails of bellowing cries coming through the wall.

She'd locked herself into the bedroom at six a.m. as soon as he'd woken up and was showered. She refused to eat. She refused to let him in. When he magically opened the lock and he peered into the room, Beatrice lay sprawled on the bed crying into a pillow or staring queerly at the ceiling, her eyes unmoving.

It disturbed Severus, but his resolve was steady.

IIII

He arrived at the gates of Hogwarts stronger than when he had left. He never realized how hard it would really be to walk out of that cottage and know that it was for good. As he walked the steps that he had walked numerously before, it struck Severus that the closer he was to Hogwarts, the more he was at home.

Hogwarts was his home and had always been his true home.

This is where he needed to be.

As he entered the Great Hall he saw the woman he was looking for.

"Professor, can I speak with you privately?"

"Of course, Professor Snape! I was just heading back to my office. Would you care to join me?"

"Yes, thank you."

As they walked side by side in the silence, a strange effect was coming over Severus. The joviality of the headmistress infected him and reminded him so much of Albus. A smile replaced his typical scowl.

Roberta Collins whispered her secret password and began walking up the spiral staircase to her office. As they entered the office that had changed not a wink since the many years of Dumbledore's passing, Snape took the seat directly opposite the headmistress's chair.

"What can I do you for?" Roberta sat rather ungracefully in her chair and leaned over her desk her chin resting on her palm.

"I know it is customary to offer room and board for both students and professors alike, here at Hogwarts," Severus began, wondering how he could possibly make this less awkward for himself.

"Mmmhmm…" Severus couldn't help but notice her eyes widen a bit.

"I was merely inquiring if that offer still stood for me?" Silently he begged that she would remain mum and not ask any questions.

"Well, of course it is. Why you would need it I haven't the slightest…." Headmistress Collins quickly ended her sentence unfinished at the raise of Snape's eyebrow. "We have plenty of room available here on the ground floor. It is highly accessible."

"Yes. I was also wondering if it might not be too much to ask to have my old quarters in the dungeon."

"Well of course its empty down there… if that's what you prefer—"

"Thank you. I assume I can move my things in immediately?"

"Whenever you like Professor Snape."

Severus stood, quite pleased with himself that he had accomplished such a trying task without so much as a personal survey.

As he turned to leave the befuddled Roberta, he happened to notice the slight wink of Dumbledore's portrait.

IIII

_This is it_, she thought. _There must be more to life than this… this feeling. _

She sat at her desk, her quill perched over an empty page. Her own distractions awakened her.

The old obsession, the inability to think encircled her. It frightened her.

Her entire life had been about structure. Organization was who she was and had always been. This is what made sense to her.

Recently she had learned that loving made it hard to do much of anything. Loving was her focus.

What if it wasn't reciprocated? What if she was all alone, the way she had felt for so many years?

Was it worth it? The pain? Was it worth losing concentration?

_I've never been this girl. I don't want to be this girl. _

Maybe fighting wasn't the answer any longer. Maybe it was time to live and let live.

IIII

It was his fifth knock on the door.

There had been no answer. No noise.

He wondered if she was even home.

She didn't just sit around waiting for him.

He leaned against the doorframe content to wait.

She'd waited so long, why couldn't he show the same courtesy?

Lost in his own mind he let himself drift mentally over the past five years of his life. The bad seemed to outweigh the good so much, yet this did not disturb him. What surprised Severus was that the one constant, the one continuously good aspect of his life had been Hermione. Since the moment they had begun to connect in the dreamscape he had found a similar soul in her. It had been the most shocking thing of all. He had been an ass to let it slip away. Yet, this too, was such a Snape- like behavior that it didn't surprise him in the least.

Finally after some time he heard approaching footsteps up the walk.

She was looking down at her feet as they moved briskly along the steps up to her flat, her hands full, tightly gripping shopping bags.

"Severus, what are you doing here?" She asked a bit confused when she finally looked up to see his dark presence standing in her doorway.

"I need to talk to you." In a strange way he had the urge to call her 'Ms. Granger'. It almost made him laugh. They'd both moved past such formalities long ago. He waited patiently as she unlocked the apartment and walked in.

"Please, come in."

A red flag went off in Severus' mind. Something was amiss.

"Is anything the matter?"

Hermione spun around and locked her eyes on his own, reading him.

"No… should something be the matter?"

"Hermione, did I do something to upset you?" Her standoffish attitude was altogether too uncomfortable. His well-known wall began to build its way back up.

"I don't know, Snape, did you?"

"_Snape_?" Irritation rose in his chest. "Look, I don't know what's going on, but I suppose I should let you know that I came here to tell you that I left Beatrice." Resolute, he straightened his back and took a step towards the door. "In case you were wondering or had any curiosity at all, I'm staying in the dungeons of Hogwarts." Her face stayed unwavering, and as he attempted to look into her mind he saw that she was countering him. He opened the door. "It was nice to see you, Ms. Granger."

IIII

_What have I done? _

The question reverberated in her mind as she sat in the dark of her apartment.

_Why have I done such a stupid thing? _

It is better to be alone to be living with such pain, she reminded herself.

_But what of this pain? _

She stopped her inner monologue, blinking into the shadows.

_Does it matter either way? _

He didn't seem too concerned when he left, that much was for sure.

_Was this truly a one-sided love for all this long time? _

She laughed an awkward, uncomfortable laugh that sounded so loud in the dead silence.

This is Severus Snape after all.


	22. The Time is Now

Chapter 10: Bedside Darkness

Chapter 26: The Time is Now

"We cannot subdue the labor pains. Unfortunately at this point, we think it best that we take our chances."

"What does that mean exactly?"

His face was grim.

"Is there someone you'd like for us to contact, Mrs. Snape?"

"No! This can't be happening. I cannot let this happen!"

"Mrs. Snape, please relax. You're already in poor health as it is. This isn't good for you or the child."

He took a breath and massaged Beatrice's hand.

"Now, is there someone you'd like to call on?"

"My husband, Severus. He's at Hogwarts Castle."

IIII

"I behaved like such a child."

"I'm glad you realize this now."

"To be quite honest, I never thought it would come to this."

"You and I both."

" Do you regret doing it?"

He paused. His eyes drifted away.

She tried to avoid recognizing this. Better to remain deaf and dumb to this sort of thing, she decided.

"No. I don't regret it. Rather , I feel sorry for her."

"Did I apologize yet for the way I acted?"

"Yes."

"Well, I just wanted to do it again. I really feel terrible about it. I'm so sorry Severus."

"I understand."

Somehow from his old tone and hard face, Hermione feared he really didn't.

The oddness of the situation was surreal. Neither Hermione nor Severus had ever truly thought this moment would come. Therefore the question that hung unasked in the stiff dungeon air was, where to go from there. Severus had the courage to ask it first.

"So what now?"

Hermione looked up into his coffee black eyes, unsure of whether the question was rhetorical or not.

_Knock. _

_Knock. _

_Knock. _

_Knock. _

"Who is it?"

Severus rose swiftly from his chair, sweeping his long black robes behind him. Hermione straightened in his chair, unsure of he who was on the other side.

No answer.

Severus swung open the giant heavy oak wood door looking at the little man that stood on the other side.

His hair was gray, or at least what he had of hair. The entire round top of his head stood shiny and bare. He stood tall barely reaching the curve of Snape's shoulder. He clasp his hands together in a worried manner, peering in to the dungeon room around Severus.

"Are you Severus Snape?"

"Yes."

"Is your wife Beatrice Snape?"

"Yes. What is this about? Who are you?"

The little man ran a hand through the back of his unkempt hair, beneath is great, shiny bald spot.

"I must speak to you alone then."

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him as she stood up to move closer to Severus.

"No. What ever you must say you can say in all company present."

Hermione's heart beat fast, unsure of the words that would come out of the man's mouth but quite proud of what Snape had said thus far.

"Alright," the man said, looking Hermione up and down. "You're wife has been admitted to St. Mungo's. She's gone into premature labor that we cannot stop. You have to come with me to the hospital." The man fidgeted by the door, easing his weight from one foot to the other.

They locked eyes from across the warm heat of the dungeon.

"I have to go."

"Let me come with you." Her eyes pleaded with him in a way he'd rarely seen on her.

He nodded briskly and swung on his cloak.

IIII

"She's right up here in the room on the right. I'll let you go on in." The fidgety man said, as she tugged on Hermione's arm, letting her know that he should go in alone.

Hermione wrapped her arms around herself, warming herself against the cold and empty corridor. The small man stood staring at her solemnly, shaking his fuzzy, bald head frequently.

Hermione wished Severus would return.

Somehow she knew something was wrong.

The persistent feeling in her belly was too strong.

The door opened not more than a few moments later.

"Hermione, I think you should leave."

"Wha- What?"

"I think it best that you should leave."

"Severus, can we talk… alone?"

He looked to the little man smiling awkwardly back at them.

He walked to Hermione and put his arm around her shoulders pulling her to a secluded corner.

"Hermione, please. You shouldn't be here."

"Why not?"

"It's disrespectful. I'll keep you updated though. Go back to the dungeon. I'll floo back and forth to you."

"Is everything alright?"

"She isn't well. The nurse said that I should choose."

"Choose what? Severus, I don't understand."

"Hermione, please just go. She isn't going to last long. I won't disrespect her by having you waiting for her to die outside her door."

"I am not waiting for her to die! How can you say such a thing?"

"I won't tell you again. Go home."

"Home?"

They stood in silence. Severus rubbed the back of his neck absent-mindedly.

"Alright. I'll leave."

IIII

"Mr. Snape, are you ready to meet your son?"

He nodded absent-mindedly, rising from his waiting room chair. The nurse ushered him into a brightly lit room, so sanitary light seemed to emanate from the clean surfaces.

In a corner bassinette a child the size of his fist lay on white blankets with cloth taped over his tiny, sensitive eyes.

Severus took a step toward the baby, looking back at the nurse to gain permission to move forward.

She nodded graciously.

Anxiously he moved closer.

The child shuddered in the crib, causing the nurse to come quickly to the baby's side, checking vitals by squeezing his tiny wrist gently.

Severus sucked in his own breath, frightened.

"Is everything alright?"

"Not to worry, dear. Everything will be just fine."

"He's so small."

"Yes, thirty weeks is quite young for a new born. He'll grow yet. He's strong."

"He'll make it, then?"

"Maybe it isn't my place to say, but I think you made the right decision. Between the mother and son, the son has a fighting chance."

"Thank you," Severus said briskly, stepping up to the crib and looking down at his son.

He reached into the bassinette and took his tiny waving fist in his own.

"Hello," he whispered to his son.

"Have you decided on a name yet?"

"No… not yet."

"Take all the time in the world. It's an important decision."

"May I… may I see my wife once more."

"Of course. Go on into her room and say goodbye. Take your time, dear."

IIII

"I don't know what to say.

This isn't how I wanted things to be."

He paused and took a lock of her hair into his hands.

"I am just so sorry, Bea. If there is anything I could have done differently it would have been to never hurt you."

The breath caught in his chest, making it hard to inhale.

"I'll take care of him. I will be a good father. I know it isn't much consolation, but just know that he will want for nothing."

He took her cold hand in his and squeezed it tight, warming her with the blood flowing through his own.

"Goodbye Beatrice. I love you."

IIII

The flames rose up in the grate and turned a dark emerald green.

Hermione sat up quickly from her resting position on his sofa.

"Hermione, are you here?"

"Yes Severus, over here."

She noticed first his disheveled appearance and the dark rings beneath his eyes. It was nearly one in the morning. No words needed to be said. It was obvious he was distraught.

"Is everything okay?" She asked, jumping up from the sofa and rubbing her tired eyes.

He shook his head in response, going straight to the firewhiskey sitting in the corner.

Hermione waited. She held her breath as he took not one but three shots of the burning liquid one right after another.

"I'm a father."

Hermione didn't say anything.

"He's the smallest baby I've ever seen."

"So you have a son?"

"Beatrice is… she's dead, Hermione."

Silence.

They both didn't move but the sound of Hermione sucking in her breath rapidly seemed to echo in the room.

"I am _so_ sorry."

Severus nodded into another two fingers of whiskey.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No."

She waited patiently, quietly. She filled the distance between them, walking over to him.

In an attempt to be comforting she placed her hand on his.

"Hermione, my wife is dead."

Her hand seemed to lift of its own accord and settle by her side.

"Do you want me to stay?"

He didn't say anything. He merely tipped his head back and swallowed what was left in his glass.

"I think I'd better go." Hermione picked up her jacket off of a nearby chair. Turning around, it was obvious he hadn't moved an inch. "I really am sorry, Severus."

IIII


	23. Once

Chapter 10: Bedside Darkness

Chapter 23: Once

He placed his hand in the glove.

With a blue, rubber tipped finger he ran it across the infants cheek.

He longed to feel his own skin on the soft, baby face.

Did the child have his dark, ominous eyes?

Or was he blessed with his mothers' blue, luminous pair?

He longed to take the cloth taped to his face off so that he might get a full picture of his son.

He was so small.

Such a tiny child.

It was only enough to assume that he had a bit of fight in him. He'd made it this far after all he'd been through.

It was a waiting game, the nurse had said.

She kept coming in, her red hair gleaming in the soft yellow light. She had brought him a blanket and a cup of tea not too long ago.

She urged him to choose a name.

Something that meant something, she had said. Something strong, to give him strength.

He feared giving a name to the infant.

He dared not tell this to anyone.

What if he named the child, and then he died?

Then he'd be alone once more.

Naming him would only make him all the more real.

If he kept the child waiting for his name, well then, the child had something to look forward to, a reason to live.

He'd spent the past few days spending almost all if his waking moments pacing the small nursery room. Often he'd place his hand inside the blue glove attached to the incubator machine. The nurse had said this might help. Touching him, speaking to him, connecting, she had said, would let the child know that someone who cared was nearby.

Severus grew frustrated.

Often he'd look over at the small pale creature and the anger boiling in his chest would erupt. Those were the times he'd leave.

Returning to the castle in a huff before relaxing after a nap and heading back to St. Mungo's. It'd been a trial. He was exhausted and angry with himself.

He missed her. It was all his fault that she was gone.

Didn't she know that he needed her the most now?

IIII

That stubborn ass.

Yes, things were much changed now, but that didn't mean that everything was wiped away.

She still felt the same.

Did he forget her very existence the moment he realized she was gone?

She was acting very childish.

The man had just lost his wife.

The wife he was in the process of leaving, she reminded herself.

Oh, what was the use? Being bitter would change absolutely nothing.

He was a father.

He was a single father with a small infant.

A son.

A small, tiny baby who probably looked the spitting image of his mother to take care of.

Severus has never been around children!

Well of course he'd been around children, he'd been teaching all his life.

But an infant? A dangerously small infant?

A reformed death eater left to take care of his child all on his own?

Why hadn't he asked for her help yet?

She'd gladly go.

She never wanted anything more than for him to just say he needed her help.

Just for him to say he needed her at all would be enough.

He'd asked her to leave.

Damn it all, she thought.

IIII

Back within the safe confines of his dungeon chambers.

The child was doing much better the nurse said. He'd gained quite a bit of weight in his week in the incubator.

Still no name? The nurse had asked the same question every time she came in to check on the baby.

He'd stopped shaking his head or saying no politely.

Stronger or not, he'd already begun to fail at his first task as a father.

He couldn't even name his own damn child.

How would he ever make it through a lifetime of this?

He collapsed into the black chair sitting at his desk. He needed a drink.

Pointing his wand at the bottle of firewhiskey half empty on the sideboard, he summoned it to himself.

Once within grasp he sighed loudly and poured two fingers worth into a glass.

He shot it down his throat without any hesitation.

Laying his head on the cool wood of the desk, he closed his eyes.

A little rest might do some good. Perhaps a name would come to him.

With his eyes closed he looked back into his memory, floating over names that had held a meaning to him in his life. A person who he had perceived as strong, invincible. Those were characteristics he'd like to pass on to his child.

Albus Dumbledore of course was first to cross his minds eye. There had been no man stronger, that was of course until he died. As much as he'd like to, he didn't want to stick the poor child through life with a name like Albus. Nobody could live up to a name like that.

It was harder after that to find a person who Severus had looked up to in his life.

Unfortunate as it was, Lord Voldemort popped up more than once. Tom had been an ordinary name before the Dark Lord had tainted it. He could never name his son after him. He feared what the child might become. Despite how strong as Lord Voldemort had been, it wasn't the sort of strength Severus was after.

In the midst of looking for another face and figure of strength Severus had the pleasant image of Hermione to come forth. Well he knew he couldn't name his child after her, that much was for sure.

Severus sat up and poured another drink.

He missed her.

Miserable the past week, unsure of what to do or where to go, he fought his first urges to see her.

It was too soon.

Things hadn't happened the way he originally had intended and now everything was in such a state of disaster he couldn't imagine her wanting to be there.

What woman would want to be with a man with a new infant, a dead wife, and have to take care of them both?

She was young.

She'd move on.

She'd find someone without so much baggage and make a life.

No matter how much he wanted her to make her life with him, he couldn't as her to do it.

She deserved so much better.

IIII

A/N: Hello to you all! It's been a bit since the last update and I do apologize for that. I hope to finish the story by chapter 25- 30. With that said, inspiration is running low. I desperately want to bring Severus and Hermione together but it seems to be harder and harder and the story continues. I would appreciate any suggestions or mere comments that you have. They always help and I always want to incorporate them as best I can, so please, please, please continue!

The hardest part is coming… the ending! So if you have a specific way you'd like to see it directed, let me know.

Thanks again, for both reading AND reviewing!

Have a wonderful week.


	24. It Changed the Moment

Chapter 10: Bedside Darkness

Chapter 24: It Changed the Moment

She walked briskly, wrapping her brown waistcoat tighter around her body.

The corridor was conveniently abandoned, if only for a little while so she worked the situation to her advantage, hurrying down the hall.

Seeing as how the floor was the maternity ward, Hermione could surmise easily enough that the nursery would surely be somewhere around here. Where the nursery was, babies would be. Where there were babies she hoped she'd find the one she was looking for.

As she approached the end of the hallway she can across a softly lit room with a wide, clear window. Inside lined in rows were small cradles.

The nursery.

With a sigh of relief and a quick look around the room to make sure she was alone she went in.

There were seven cradles all together. Seven small infants with various name plates.

Tucked into the middle of two cradles sat a larger cradle than the rest. It was clear and was covered with a small machine beeping and pulsing beside it.

"Baby Snape," Hermione stated, reading the name tag attached to the from of the incubator. She walked to the side.

Tentatively she approached, peering into the clear cradle.

Inside lay the smallest child she'd ever seen. The other six babies looked much larger than this one.

"Hello… baby." Hermione didn't know how to proceed. The child didn't even have a name.

She stood there for a long time just looking down at the infant, his small fists occasionally waving in the air. He looked so peaceful and innocent. Hermione felt a sudden surge of sadness looking down at him.

Fingering the blue gloves she gave into her greater instinct and put her arm in one. She knew she didn't have much time before a nurse would be back to check on them. She let her finger run softly down the baby's abdomen. He shuddered at her touch and Hermione smiled. He raised his little fist and wrapped it around her gloved finger, feeling and sensing where her hand was, though seeing nothing through the gauze taped over his eyes.

"I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.

Because of my selfishness… look at you. You poor child.

This is all my fault."  
Hermione stayed still, letting the baby grip her finger as she moved with her other hand to wipe away the tears that began to fall.

"I wish there was someway that I could undo time. Despite all the magic in the world I would give it all up if I could just fix what I've done. Regardless… though I know it doesn't mean much to you now… it'll be okay. It will all be okay for you. I know it. I will make sure it is. I owe so much to you… I just wanted you to know how sorry I was. I wanted to see you, to make you real. I wanted you to know that everything is going to be alright."

Hermione wiped her tears and touched the baby's cheek one last time before exiting the room.

IIII

Severus watched her dark brown head bent over the incubator machine. She'd been talking and crying, about what he couldn't be sure.

He had been watching her for quite sometime, holding back the nurse so that Hermione could say what she needed to get off her chest in peace. It felt like forever to see her holding her arms in the gloves, talking to his baby.

Finally after a good deal of time, she stood up straight and adjusted her jacket before turning to go.

Quickly, Severus hid himself around the corner so that he would not be seen.

He knew with the same ferociousness that lay inside of him that she cared and that she needed them as much as he needed her. Now, it became only a matter of pride for him to ask her for it.


	25. A Room in my Heart

Chapter 25: A Room in my Heart

In her mind she wandered over different scenarios, completely caught up in the perfect way to show him that it didn't matter to her.

She wandered somewhere deep in her heart if he even wanted her now that he had this small child to look after.

She still hadn't heard from him. Her heart began beating just a little more weakly at the thought.

She brushed her hair out of her face along with the thought and went back to planning.

She had to try, she had to show him.

If in the end he didn't want her, he would tell her—at least her Severus, the old Severus, surely would. No matter how much it would hurt her, she could not go another five years wondering what might have been because of her weaknesses and low self-esteem.

And so she planned.

She imagined writing him a letter. To Hermione, this felt the most logical. That way she could say exactly what she wanted to say without him interrupting or her mind going fuzzy on details because of her nerves.

It was perfect, she decided.

At her desk, she pulled a stack of parchment towards her and set the ink and quill by her right hand. No one said it was going to be a short letter.

With her hand shaking and her bedroom window closed to the distractions of the outside world she set to work dipping the quill ever so slightly into the basin of ink.

_Severus, _

_I want so much to tell you everything that is on my mind right now._

This she striked out with fierceness and glowered at the paper.

_Severus,_

she began again.

_I love you. Despite all that has happened, or perhaps because of it, I know that I could never love anyone the way that I do you. _

She paused. Smiling down at her scripted handwriting, she waited for more inspiration to strike. This wasn't so bad, she concluded. Direct and to the point.

And so she continued.

_I've known you since I was eleven years old. You've been a figure of authority, a figure of fear, and a figure of my deepest confidence. When I began dreaming of you, or rather meeting you within my dreams, I knew that we had a connection so deep that it withstood the physical world. _

_I know that had I not been so stubborn after the war, we could have been much happier, much sooner. Yet I surrounded myself with my sadness and I hid myself away, fearing the link that we have. But I've realized now, now that you're in my life once more, that I don't want to lose this… I don't want to lose this connection. It's too strong and it means so much. _

_You, Severus, are all I have left of our previous lives. Everything else changed the minute I saw you in my dreams and to this day, you are still the man of my dreams whether you know it or not. _

_What I'm really saying is—please, don't forget what we have. What we've always been destined to have together. I know that in mere moments you're life has changed most drastically and mine has stayed more or less the same. But, I am willing to change my own life to better fit yours. Not just willing—I want to change my life, my world, to better fit yours. _

_I love you, Severus. It is not something I can stop, or change or hide from. I tried for years and it got me nowhere but back into your arms and dreaming of you once more. I need you… and if you let yourself, I know, deep down, that you could need me too. _

_Please. Think. _

_I'll love you forever, _

_Hermione_

She glowed as her pen became still. The urgency to say what she desired disappeared as she stared at her feelings written down.

Hermione thought back to the one night that they'd spent in each others arms and how it hadn't been uncomfortable the way she had feared it always would be. A rush of crimson heated her face as she thought back on it. She knew that how much she loved him had altered her into an entirely new person and knowing and accepting the love and only changed her more.

She got up off the desk chair and stretched her legs. She had to give him the letter. Inside she knew she wanted to see him one last time, too. Just in case he chose to go on alone.

Hermione shuddered at the thought.


End file.
